Why Do I Love An Alcoholic?

When I met my husband it was love at first sight. Both of us went home and told our nearest and dearest that we had met our soul mate,  but neither of us said anything to each other about this for another six months. I found him a fascinating conversationalist, madly attractive and a gentleman. To top it all, he had the power to make me to laugh until I cried. I wanted his babies!

Neither of us wanted to make the ‘move’ incase we ruined the friendship we had developed. Eventually I asked him out for a drink. We met and after a few drinks, he asked me to marry him, I said yes and we kissed for the first time. I was madly in love then and am madly in love now, but we have had our fair share of ‘moments’. His alcoholism drove our emotions and minds to the limits for years. At one point I hated him so much I couldn’t even imagine how I had ever loved this man.

One of the first gifts he bought  me was the book ‘The Prophet’ by Kahil Gibran and one of the first passages I read  was the answer the prophet gave when asked about love;

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you,

And when he speaks to you believe him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free your from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that

knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

Sixteen years later I found this book in a box again after a house move. It had been  three years  after husband went into rehab and read this passage again. Love had indeed tested me to my limit, shaken my roots, shattered my dreams and wounded my heart  but by getting through it we had discovered a better us and a stronger bond of love than we ever imagined.

Maybe you will too.

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4 thoughts on “Why Do I Love An Alcoholic?”

  1. Thank you for this post. Life has many bumps in the road. Alcoholics and their families and friends hit these bumps many, many times. Life is one long road filled with sorrows and joys and disappointments and surprises, indeed. My husband went into treatment more than a year ago. He continues to relapse and he gets back on the track aiming for sobriety. I feel so tired and I feel as if he will never get “THERE.” I realize that sobriety is the ability to keep moving forward, not just NOT DRINKING. I have to keep moving forward, as well, taking care of myself and allowing him to pick himself up. I cannot do it for him. This is the hardest thing. Thank you for the HOPE that you share with others.

  2. Its strange and I cant understnd it! Lets start from the top, both my granfathers were very bad alcoholics, my 4 uncles on my dads side were alcoholics, my DAD was an alcoholic died 20 yrs aho of cirrosis and my mom only brother, who I absolutely loved was an alcoholic. He died in a car crash on his way back from a family party, he was drunk. His death is one i still cant get over its been 22 yrs. To continue My babys ddy is an alcoholic and NOW my husband , her step father is an alcoholic!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! How did this happen I ask myself daily and blame myself that I should of known better. My truest belief is that I should of known better. Im 42 now and i absolutely hate my life. I read more times than one throughout the blog here that basically i need to make a change in my own miserable behavior. I prayed for strenghth every night before i came across this site. Now i will pray for strenght to not feel like a victim.

    1. Many people who grow up with alcoholism end up living with an alcoholic. It is because we view drinking as normal behavior. Think about it – if someone from a non drinking home moved in with someone who drank everyday or binge drank, alarm bells would go off and they would find the behavior strange and probably unacceptable very quickly. Whereas with those of us who come from drinking backgrounds have loved people like this in the past and sometimes at the start of a relationship when our partners drinking is more ‘controlled’ we compare it to those we have loved before and think ‘well they are not as bad as my father/brother/mother, thankfully!’ and we accept it. I have heard other explanations but these are my thoughts on it!

      What to do? You are right, you need to change your behavior and start doing things for yourself and your baby – start enjoying life without the alcoholic’s involvement. By growing your own self confidence you will gain strength and be able to think clearer about your future.

      Keep in touch. x

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