Tips for Dealing with an Alcoholic Partner

If you have an alcoholic spouse, you don’t need to hear the long list of offenses, insults, inconveniences, embarrassments and injuries you’ve doubtless already suffered. You already know it’s a dreadful condition.

But is there anything, you wonder, that you can do about it?

I’ve been there, done that, even got the t-shirt. And I have some practical and useful tips for maintaining your sanity, bankbook and person intact.

1) My first tip is one you need to internalize: Know that this has nothing to do with you, the quality of your love, or what you have or have not done. As they say in the 12-step group Al-Anon, “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you cannot cure it.”

I know the feeling of guilt…If only I had/hadn’t______(fill in the blank),”He wouldn’t be drinking right now.” That’s just not true. The alcoholic, always eager for an excuse to drink, may pick fights, find fault, and outright blame you. Day in and day out, that can wear a person down.

Alcoholics drink because they are mentally ill and lack the physical ability to properly metabolize alcohol.

Immediate download -Guide to Living with An Alcoholic

2) That brings me to Tip #2: Take care of yourself. And the best way you can do that is to go to an Al Anon meeting, maybe even several times a week. It’s completely anonymous, extremely supportive and healing.

I can hear you now: “S/he’s the one with the problem: why should I have to go get help?” Well, it is a paradox. Without knowing it, we who are living with drinkers have gradually, almost imperceptibly, become sick along with the drinker. All that abuse and chaos! We need to help ourselves before we can be of help to anyone else.

Strangely enough, I have witnessed situations where the drinker got sober after the spouse had been going to Al Anon for a while. As the spouse got better, the situation improved. Being a powerful force of example, the alcoholic is stripped of his or her denial, and becomes willing to try sobriety. Don’t bet on it, but don’t discount it either.

3) My tip #3 is “Remove the Victim.” Do not stand there and take it. Walk away. Go for a drive. Run an errand. Do not try to argue with or reason with someone who is inebriated. By definition, someone who is intoxicated is incapable of reasoning or judgment. Again, you are saying “Why should I have to be the one who runs away?” or “I’m not going to let that drunk run me off.”

Well, sometimes we have to do what we have to do temporarily until the storm is past.

4) Tip #4 could be Tip #1 for some folks: If the alcoholic is abusive, get out. Put the kids and the family dog in the car, and go. Violence always escalates. It never subsides. Once you’re on the roller coaster of physical abuse, it is very tough to get off. Battered wife/husband syndrome is also something I have experienced. It’s almost like being under a spell. You come to believe there is nothing out there for you; that you are undesirable and unworthy, and deserving of the abuse. Once you’re in that lonely place, getting out is next to impossible.

If the alcoholic raises his or her hand to you, they will do it again, and harder the next time. Don’t kid yourself.

I’m not going to give you the advice to divorce, or separate, or anything else of that nature. Each situation is unique. Giving advice is dangerous and foolish. If divorce is something you wish to do, it is certainly one way to get out of the situation if you find it intolerable. But for those of you who can’t leave; again, take care of yourself, try to find a support group, remove the victim and if there is abuse, don’t walk; run!

I have just published a full practical guide to Living with an alcoholic. It’s available for immediate download. If you can’t afford it let me know and I’ll send you a copy free of charge – Remember, you are not alone.

82 thoughts on “Tips for Dealing with an Alcoholic Partner”

  1. I just found this site and plan to visit it often. What a relief to have somewhere to go with my frustration. My (patient, wonderful) husband and I house and support my alcoholic, anorexic sister, who also has indolent (non-active) lymphoma. She is younger than I, extremely (unnatrually) small and cacechtic (which means she looks quite corpse-like). All this matters because her frailty makes people — us too — feel tender toward her. But she is a drunk who won’t eat and who lies to us and to herself. We have supported her for 8 years now, and we will continue to, as she has no other options. Fortunately, our house has a separate living unit where she stays — pretty isolated and self-involved, and where she drinks in privacy. She is over 60 years old. She has two dogs — we support them, too — we have to. They are lovely dogs, but sometimes they become frightened of her and move in with us! She doesn’t abuse them, but I think they fear her drunkenness and irrationality. Does anybody out there have expeirence with analcoholic and his/her pets? I keep hoping the dogs will help her, but I don’t believe they do. Any advice/comment/insight welcome. Thanks!

    1. i have experience with a female partner alcoholic who has drank heavly for fifteen yrs. she is a rn supervisor and i dont know how she holds it together i guess she reallyy dont cause everything is chaotic there too, any way we have four little dogs who are like kids to us she has never hurt them i dont believe she would ever she would hurt me first . when she gets drunk everyday first thing she picks up when she gets home from work and last thing she sets down glass never getshalf empty she is constantly adding gin thats what she likes is gin she drinks gin and juice for couple hours then she starts drinking red wine and pours gin in it to make it stronger. anyway once she gets to a certain point anything can set her off it may be something happened twenty years ago but its always gonna come back me before the niight is over. i get dirty hateful text and voicemails there is always a drama especillay if i leave im worse than the antichrist himself. on with the pets one of our dogs is mine if i leave he leaves that leaves her dog and their two puppies she is gonna scream yell rant rave has hit me but thinks because she is so much smaller than me that its the puppies go hide they stay out of her way if im at work which i work evening shift will not go to day shift because night time is not a good time at my house. if i dont argue and fight with her before its over she always says there is something wrong with one of the dogs they scratch alot just different things the reson they scratch alot or do certain things is because their nerves a are a wreck too they have lived in it sooooo long that this is how they cope or they may act out a little but mostly they will hide if they come into your house they just want piece and quite no chaos just to be able to relax and not be on eggshells like everybody else is let them come to your house cause they get tired of dealing with it too. they need a break and some tlc without it being frm someone who cant hardly stand up or doesnt have a clue what they are saying and awant remember it tommorrow anyway or at least they say they dont.

    2. hi
      I have been living with my partner for 2 and a half years and his drinking makes him verbally abusive and sometimes he has hit me or grabbed me by the throat. I have 4 boys from 6 to 12 living her, my sons from a previous relationship and the last time he got abusive i told him to leave which he did. He has stayed in a hotel for 2 nights and i have found him a room to rent locally and told him that i will date him if he gets help. He agreed to get help and stay off the booze because he loves me and wants to be with me. Now because of financial difficulties i could loose my house living here without his support and he says he cant afford the deposit to start renting. He wants to come home and get help while living with me, but i said no because i have had enough of his anger and its not fair to my kids. He is now saying if he cant afford to rent and im going to loose the house he may as well just disappear away somewhere cos if he rents for six months and wego back to living together we have gone backwards cos i will be in some little council house by then. He still insists he cant afford the deposit to rent. I love him to pieces and when he is not drinking he is the man i fell in love with but i know if he comes back it will all be empty promises as it was last time i let him back. any advice. i dont want to lose him i want to help him and get him better so we can be happy together.

      1. Gosh I hope I am not too late getting back to you. YOu have done the right thing and stick to it. There are a number of issues here:

        1. Physical and verbal abuse cannot be tolerated. You have 4 beautiful boys who are looking to you for example and you have sent them the right message through your actions ie. you do not allow to treat another person badly and treating someone you love badly is not right either. Your boys will grow to be men soon and they are looking to you and the friends you choose to be part of your life as role models.

        2. He left and stayed in a hotel for 2 nights and you found him a room to rent. He now says he can’t afford the rent. A symptom of alcoholism is manipulation! You have acted with great strength and stood up to him and carried things through. Do not allow him to manipulate you to allow him back to his comfort zone. He is an adult and he has to live with the consequences of his actions. He’s a big boy he will find somewhere to live or a way to afford it and if he doesn’t, well that is a consquence of his drinking and you are not responsible for that consequence. Alcoholics will only stop drinking when they reach a wall they hate and realise this is the life they have created becuse of their drinking – rock bottom.

        3. You fear loosing your house without his financial support. A house is 4 walls, a home is where you and your boys can be together without fear and without anxiety caused by an active drinker. I had a beautiful house and had to sell it because my husband drank us into debt, he had got sober but the debt had built up so we sold it. We lived in a caravan for a while with our two kids and bought an old house that had one tap and no sewerage. That was 6 years ago – the house is still a shambles and the sewerage is still dodgy but do you know what? I am happier than ever because it is a home without drink, our kids are confident and we laugh everyday. No matter what crap we face, we know we can get through it because we got through the otherside of the very painful time caused by drink.

        Your head is racing and he is filling your head with subtle threats – if he doesn’t move back you are going to end up in a little council house in 6 months and he’ll be back in it anyway and you will all have gone backwards. Think about what he said and laugh out loud!! It’s a threat – he doesn’t even realise it probably,it is manipulation caused by alcoholism – you have challenged his comfort zone and he is feeling discomfort at having to do something about it. He wants to be back to where he was – at home with you.

        I know you are genuinely concerned about loosing your house but take one day at a time and remember it is just 4 walls. If you loose the house and end up in a little council house, so what? Your boys will have you and not have to watch their mother being threatened or abused. They will have a happy home. But do you know what, you may not have to loose your house -talk to a financial advisery service, your mortgage company, your landlord, your social services, your boss, your family, whoever you can talk to about the situation you are in and see if there is support you can get for the next 6 months. Can you get a moritorium on your mortgage or can your landlord reduce the rent? is there a fiancial service (MABS) that can negoiate onyour behalf and work out a budget for you? You got the strength to stand up for what you want before you can do it again about your house!

        3. He promoised to get help. What actions has he taken since he left? Has he made the excuse that he hasn’t hadtime becasue he’s trying to sort out the situation you have put him in? He is probably procratinating. He’ll get help when he moves back home – don’t allow it. He needs to take the step himself and be off drink for 6 months before you consider letting him back in in your life. If he is genuine and works the programme he will learn that he needs to take one day at a time and stop plotting what could or will be 6 months down the road. You need to learn to live one day at a time too. Money comes and goes, but you only get one chance at bringing up your boys and enjoying your life with them. Don’t let him control that. Let me know how you are getting along whatever you decide.

      2. Hi Susan,

        I can totally relate. My boyfriend is drinking again right now as we speak. He has practically moved into my home and I have let him have access to all areas of my life. Each time he abuses every area of the relationship with drinking. If you have children, make them your focus. People who have an addiction are in love with their addiction only.


  2. I just want to say thank you for posting this. I am struggling through this type of situation right now and feel like I am being torn apart physically and emotionally. It makes it even more difficult to have young children around such a situation. Sometimes I don’t know what to do next, and all I have is hope. Reading these entries was a nice thing today. Thanks again.

  3. Treat an alcoholic like a person with diseases. But love yourself the same. Builld your world around yourself. Love the person when sober, but treat him like a stranger when he is drunk.

    1. I agree with you entirely, the only problem I have is that I get so angry with my partner, as just when all is running smoothly, he disappears for a couple of days, turns up plastered, spent money we cannot afford to, comes into the home with more drink, wants me to drink with him – as a result my anger takes over and I end up becoming physically violent with him, him then trying to strangle me, then I call the police to chuck him out, or – I let him hammer on the door until the police turn him away. I am suffering big time, although I love myself I am starting to blame myself for the way I am dealing with this and it is destroying me.

    2. u know that is absolutely wonderful advice because when they r drunk they are not the same person at all not even close.

  4. life is a matter of choice. When you choose to leave, do so. But when you decide to stay with a alcoholic, be prepared. All that matter is you need to be prepared….Think of yourself…let your day not be affected with his behavior. Build your dreams just around you…notbeing dependent with him. Dont let yoyrself to be affected with his behavior. Dont argue….keep your silence…. after all none of you will understand each other.. Choose to be happy…. and dont let him and his behavior affetc your moods. Re directing yourself towards your own goal.. dreams….and activities…

  5. This is good, I’m glad WordPress pointed it out. I, too, am in a bad situation. I have a spouse who is an alcoholic and, I believe, mentally unstable (this is in addition to being an alcoholic). I am at my wits end.

    1. thing is, mental instability and alcoholism go hand in hand, there is no use in trying to make sense. several months on, I have come a long way with my partner. Quite simple, me or a life with drink make your choice as I cannot cope with it and do not want anything or anyone getting in the way of my happiness. This sounds incredibly selfish, but when we met, I didnt realise he had a problem. He promised me the world, he was full of shit. Surprisingly, he has stopped drinking. The transformation is amazing. I know its early days, I know alcoholism is an illness, but it can be cured with the support that is out there. He went out and got it. Watch this space, but always put yourself first in life. x

      1. well done you! Deciding on a life of happiness is not selfish – it takes great courage. You decided the life you wanted and look what happened – he got sober. That’s what happened to me too and thousands of others like us. That is why I wrote my book, to show others how to do this and I hope it helps a few people achieve the strength we found that has led to amazing transformations in our lives and our partners lives. And you are living one day at a time it seems. You are so right – it is your life and you can choose happiness by putting yourself first. Great advice!

  6. Thank you,
    Thank you for this post. I am thinking about going to an alanon meeting. I don’t know if I should tell my husband just yet. We are in a situation right now that is straining our lives. When I see the list that all the websites have to find out if you are an alcoholic, most of the questions do not apply to my situation. My husband works hard everyday, never misses (because he loves money as much as he loves wine). He doesn’t refuse to go to parties because he doesn’t care if people see him wasted. He pretty much feels he deserves to do what ever he chooses. This is why my daughter and I have decided to go to an alanon meeting. I need to try and get my life together. I still feel the need to take care of my husband. I know this is not right. I have enrolled in College and this has caused a great deal of stress in our lives. He does not like it. I feel I need to prepare myself for what lies ahead. I am 53 and 35 years married. Things are changing and I hope for the better. Thank you again for all the help.

  7. Go. No need to tell your husband, does he tell you everywhere he’s going? Well done on enrolling in college, you are definately on your way to being healed probably without knowing it. You are taking the control back, control of your own life and that is so important.

    Hopefully the alanon group you go to will be a postive experience. To be honest I only went to about 10 meetings but it clicked and gave me the tools to know how to love without judging. It thought me that they are adults that I do not have to control. I was an adult too and the only thing I could change was Me.

    I am in no way religious but there is the prayer:

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the the things I can,
    And the wisdon to know the differerence.

    They are very clever words and very true!

  8. I know the prayer well. I am worried that I will go to these meetings and they will accuse me of doing everything wrong. I have been the blame for so many things for so long that I don’t think I could take more from strangers. Right now he is giving me the pout and silent treatment. All I do to get this is study. I make dinner,clean the house, lay out his close for work, make sure he has all the things he needs, make his lunch and pack it for him. He has been bad for many years. It has been 7 years with no intimacy and in the spring of this year I started college and now he wants his wife back. My heart and self worth has been torn in two these past years and I worked one forgetting about that part of me. I don’t want to get hurt again so I refuse and he is frustrated and furious with me. I don’t find him attractive any more. I care for him and probably always will because for almost 40 years he has been in my life good or bad times. That is why this is so hard. My children tell me I shouldn’t be so nice to him, but my nature is not to be nasty to someone. He is to me and that is what hurts. I know change has to come from me and I have to undue years of subservant ideas. I have started and that is upsetting the balance of our lives now. My husband drinks everynight to excess. This has been going on for years. 365 day of the year. I don’t know how long he can go on like this. I have begged, cried, threatened but he feels that he has the right to do what ever he wants and if we don’t like it well that is too bad. He buys the wine himself everyday. I do not buy it anymore. I still have to clean up after him almost daily. I never thought my life would end up like this. He is jealous of me. I made cookies the other night and he wanted to know who I am making them for. LOL…. I am supposedly having an affair with my proffessor and dentist. LOL… it is honestly pathetic. Thank you so much for your concern and reply. I truly need the serenity to change the things I can. I just need the wisdom to know the difference on which things to change. Jenny

    1. Jenny, I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you. You are a good person, in a dififcult place.

      I’ve been with my ‘partner’ for just over a year. I wish I had run like the wind when we met.

      He is educated – has some crazy degrees. he has had a tough life. so have i. where I am at the moment, I have no one. and now i can see how he capitalized on this.

      I suffer from depression, he is a psychologist. he is an alcoholic. things vihave been really bad – he has been arrested for male assaults female… he is psychotic, jealous and possessive.

      I don’t think i love him, but i have NO WHERE to go. I immigrated to another country, my whole family are on another continent. They can’t do anything and I can’t tell them because they will just worry.

      He makes me feel guilty and completely manipulates me. I can’t go out or be with any of my friends. he will find me and drag me away. I’ve had a protection order in place and he told me that because of me, he won’t be able to see his son, or have a job, so I’ve had to lie to the police and get it dropped.

      I am in a very bad place… damn, jenny, I don’t think I’m even relating to you anymore, but I am so scared and sad that I’m just venting…

      I am suicidal. I don’t know what to do anymore.

      1. How are you doing? Hang in there. He’s controling you with guilt, by saying if you protect yourself from his actions he will not be able to have the life he wants – his son and a job. What country do you live in? There are groups and places that can help women in situations like you in most countries – tell us where you are and I or someone on this site might be able to tell you somewhere that can help you. Life can be good – at the moment someone else is controling your life – you are being bullied. Tell us where you are and what country your family is in (youdon’t have to be specific, just the country or state will do).

  9. Thank you for this post and this opportunity to unload. My partner’s poison is vodka. He drinks beer nightly but usually sneaks a bottle of vodka into the house and hides it where he can access it quickly when my back is turned. He pours the vodka into his beer can so that he can conceal it. But his behaviour is so obvious when he’s drinking vodka that I instantly know. It’s insulting. Vodka makes him belligerent and destructive. He picks a fight (the same fight, actually, every time), blaming me for various things. No matter what I say, he escalates to destruction. He has destroyed so many things in our home over the years: overturning tables, smashing phones, hurling framed pictures. I try to talk him down, but of course that never works. I know the advice is to walk away from the argument, but when I try, he ups the ante. If I go into another room or say “I’m done with this argument” and try to go to bed, he continues to smash things to get my attention until I return to the argument. I’m afraid if I leave the house to avoid his drunkenness, I will come home to a completely destroyed house. Plus, he gets this way late into the evening just before bedtime. By the time the fight is in full swing it can be 1 or 2 in the morning, and I just need to get to sleep so that I can get up for my job in the morning. If I leave to avoid his drunkenness, where will I find sleep? Any further advice??

  10. It is amazing how fine tuned our senses become. I knew at a glance when my partner even had one slurp of vodka – it was his eyes, his pupils would be that little bit more dilated and the person I loved would have left his body and the fool that pretended to be him had entered! I could tell from across a room. I can tell the difference between the opening of cap of a half sized bottle and a litre bottle from two rooms away, no matter how quietly it’s done! I don’t think I’d get on to Americas Got Talent with that one!

    But there is no point in accussing because they will deny it so much that they believe themselves that they didn’t have a drink. There’s also no point in arguing with him because if you say black he’ll say white – the vodka makes him angry and you are the vehicle for him to vent it so you won’t be allowed end it either because then he continues to vent his anger on the furniture.

    There are two things you can do – you need to talk to him when he is sober. You need to have a heart to heart and tell him how you feel when he is sober. You can write him a letter and give it to him if you feel you won’t be able to talk to him. I did both of these things several times and it was taken on board but he still drank.

    If it doesn’t work you need to decide if you want to continue to live like this? It’s your decision. A house is bricks and mortar it doesn’t bring you happiness. If he scares you or is violent towards you you need to get out. Leave him to smash up the house, that might be the rock bottom he needs to reach before admiting he needs help. If we continue to fix the problems they create and things they break through their behaviour we are facilitating their drinking – what motivation do they have to stop when they have someone sorting them out?

    After a really bad episode I bought the local paper and started calling apartments locally for rent in front of him while he was sober. As we had kids I told him that it would be good if he moved out and came to see the kids when sober as much as he liked but when he wanted to drink he could go there and drink in peace. He refused to leave so I said I would be leaving then with the kids. We had a lovely 4 bedroomed house but I was willing to go live in a small one roomed flat if necessary so I could be in control of my life and for peace. But you must be prepared to carry through on whatever ‘threat’ you say. There is no point in doing this and not moving.

    I ended up gathering up the basics I needed and moved to a friend’s spare room while he was out of the house. I then called him and told him I wanted him to leave but he wouldn’t so I said I wasn’t coming back until he had. He drank himself stupid and threatened to kill himself. But do you know what? I didn’t care if he did. I had made upmy mind that my life was going to change. If he killed himself I could at least get on with things, if he didn’t I was going to get on with things anyway without him if he didn’t get sober. But he did get sober and four years later we are getting on better then ever.

    Don’t let lack of money get in the way there are refuges and maybe friends and family thqat can help. We couldn’t pay our mortgage due to his drinking and I was absolutely broke but when he got sober we started to rebuild our lives, we still are but my God the peace is worth it!

    Jenny – sorry I didn’t respond to you quicker. I am out of blogging mode! I started this blog nearly 11 months ago and only did about 10 posts but it seems to help so Jenny if you promise to go to an Al Anon meeting and stay in touch I promise to blog more often! You don’t have to share your story or speak at an Al Anon meeting. The ones I used to go to just invoved someone who has been there along time reading a passage from the Al Anon book ‘Courage to Change’ and then it was discussed. It was positive. I just sat and cried through the first couple of meetings just because I was amongst company that I felt safe to do so. Nobody questioned why I was crying they just handed me the box of ever present tissues – they had all done similar themselves at times.

    Everyone stay in touch and take care of YOURSELVES.

  11. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I’ve only been married three years, but if I had known what I was getting myself into I’d still be single. At first I didn’t want to beleive that my husband is an alcoholic. Now, he even admits that he drinks too much, but then says, “that’s who I am.” I don’t know what to do with that. We don’t have any children, and probably can’t. The last time we went to the doc, his sperm was dying. I desparately want a family, but don’t want children with an alcoholic spouse. Yes, I love him and he is a good provider. I don’t want for anything…at least nothing than money can’t buy. I long for his affection and respect. I just don’t know waht to do. Should I stay, should I go. He’s been drinking for 20 years, I feel like there’s no hope. I hate to leave him because I don’t want any regrets, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like everything and everybody comes before me, especially the alcohol. Help!

  12. “That’s who I am” – that’s a great one. Hands up how many of us have heard that! It’s not who they are – they weren’t born with alcohol pumping through their veins, but they have been drinking so long they can’t imagine life without it.

    What you need to ask yourself who you are and I think your comment says it. You are a young woman who desperately wants to be loved by a man who you want to have children with – basic instinct. You say if you knew what you knew now you would be single? You want to have children but not with an alcoholic, but your husband is an alcoholic and is comfortable with his lifestyle so he isn’t going to change anytime soon.

    It sounds like you have married a guy who is somewhat older than you, he was settled into his life and then you came along (If so Snap I did the same). The difference between me and you is, I got pregnant early in our marriage and God were those years difficult. Having to look after your own interests while living with an alcoholic is one thing, but having to look after the interests of a baby is a whole new ball game. Your animal instinct comes out to protect and nurture your young and you can become bitter and resentful to your partner, you have too much on your plate to even think about helping them through their illness and you can also feel very trapped. It is sooo much easier to walk away without children being involved. I am not saying that it is easy, but it is easier.

    My husband used to say, ‘when we’re living together I’ll give up drink’, but he didn’t so then it was, ‘when we get married, I’ll become more responsible and give up drink’, that didn’t happen. So next it was ‘When you’re pregnant’, ‘when the baby was born’. Each time I fell for it!

    You husband sounds like a good guy in some ways and that’s why you don’t want to leave him. You don’t want regrets? Honey you are already having regrets and if you don’t make a move you know you are going to have the biggest regret of all – finding someone to have a family with. You could always have IVF treatment with him to have his children but you should wait until he is two years sober to do that. I would like to emphasis I am not a counsellor but if you were my friend sitting beside me this is what I’d say: Do what is best for you. Make up your mind that it is you or the drink. Make an exit plan without him knowing (find somewhere to live, have some cash to fall back on) pack up and follow it through. Then talk to him when he is sober about how you feel or write him a letter and leave it somewhere you know he’ll get it first thing in the morning when you are not around for a few hours so he can think about it. If he is the man you want him to be without the drink and he wants you back he’ll then take action and stop drinking. In the meantime you start making a life for yourself, get strong in yourself. If he does take action and sober up and stop drinking – great, then you have a basis to rebuild your relationship but on equal terms, rather then you having to remould your life to fit in with ‘who he is’. But don’t move back in until he is sober for a while, it’s hard to disrupt your living space a second time. If he doesn’t stop drinking, well then you are still young enough to find someone else to start that beautiful life with that you dream of and is possible. Remember, we only regret the things don’t do. Once you start taking back control of your own life you won’t regret another day of it. However you will have regrets if you don’t take action. By taking control of YOUR life and taking action to make it the way you want it, your husband will realise how serious you are about his drinking. If he still insists ‘that’s who he is’ well then leave him to it, you are a stronger woman who knows what she wants from the experience of this marriage. Stay in touch and take care of YOURSELF.

  13. I was in a common law relationship for almost 7 years. I year after I was conned to move in with him I left. The red flags went up before I moved in with him, but I thought I could change him. I have never smoked, done drugs or drank. With him though, I learned to drink wine, but stop cold turkey the last year I was with him. I was only a social drinker anyways. It was a nightmare. He constantly threatened me that I had to be a good girl or he would replace me with someone else, if I ever brought up his drinking. I love him so much, as I dated him when I was 16, and he was wild then and move and married someone else. 30 years later I hooked up with him. He was never ever physically violent, but very verbal. If I kept my mouth shut, he was okay, drink all day when he was off work in the winter and then be in bed by 7:30 everynight. When I did start saying things, the fight was on. It got so bad at the end he was going out and buying 80,000. boats, 50,000 mustang convertible (this is Canadian money here) and all the time I was at work. His wife died after being married to him for 22 years, then 6 months later he moved a woman in with him and that didn’t last. He had women come and go until me. I left 2 times only to come back and it got worse. I thought I could change him. I have left 9 months ago and 3 weeks after I left he already met someone and in bed with her and 6 months after I left he married this woman. She drinks and smokes like he does. He also told me that he didn’t like her cause she smokes and drinks and he ended marrying her. I am totally devastated and hurt that I meant nothing to him and I did everything for him. His family turned on me at Easter 2008 of this year and that had a lot to do with why he became more abusive and drank even harder. I don’t know what I did wrong, only that I called him a drunk to his face 3 times one night and I saw the tears well up in his eyes. He called me nuts and told my sister to get me psychiatric help as I was out of control. I now know you can’t argue with a drunk. When I did go and ignore him and leave to go to get away from him he accused me of having an affair, with everyone and there brother. If I sat down and read, he would be so angry verbally, I did not know what to do anymore. I keep wondering if this is the same behaviour he will do with his new wife. He would say let’s get married then the next day of forget it, you will leave me and take me for everything cause he called me a gold digger. I am one of the most honest, loyal people to have as a friend and did not deserve all this. I beat myself up daily as I don’t know who to turn to to help me. I have never lived like this before can someone help me please with any comments. God Bless all of you struggling through this journey of life.

  14. Hi…. I’ve got to tell all of you that your not alone. I grew up with an Alcholic father, married an alcholic, divorced and married another one. (Jeeze, talk about co-dependant)
    Anyway, went to an Al anon meeting when my second marriage was so bad that I thought about leaving. Oh man, I can’t tell you how those meetings saved my life. I never realized
    how little I cared about myself.

    To make a long story short, after a while at Al Anon, I confronted my husband when he was sober and told him me or the booze. He chose me. I wished I could say that life was happy ever after, but its not. After a few years, he’s started drinking again, and I just don’t know if I want to stay or go. He can be so wonderful, but I can’t stand him when he drinks. He keeps telling me that I just have a problem with him drinking because of my history. That’s not true, but it’s an excuse for him to make me feel guilty about me being angry at him drinking again.

    I had forgotten how good it is to see that other people understand how I feel. I haven’t gone to an Al Anon since I origionally confronted him I thought I didn’t need it, that I was stronger this time around. But after reading your blog I realize I need to talk to others again. I need that sanity in my crazy world.

    Please continue blogging. It is touching many people who you don’t even realize are reading this.

  15. I’m a lesbian, and I’ve been living with my girlfriend for over a year now. I knew she had a bit of a drinking problem before we moved in together, but I had no idea how big the problem was until later. I’ve witnessed coming out to the living room in the morning after waking up in an empty bed to find my girlfriend face down on the floor, still passed out from drinking last night (a million scenarios of why she was face down on the floor went through my mind, which was really scary) . She’ll also crawl in our 3 year old’s bed when she really messed up. Thankfully our 3 year old sleeps very heavy so she is usually not bothered by it. Another place I’ve found her was in the tub in the spare bathroom after she passed out while getting up off the toilet.

    My job starts very early, I have to wake up at 5:30am every morning. I never get enough sleep to perform my work up to my standards because my girlfriend stays up late drinking (by herself) and then banging into things and making a large commotion when she does find her way to bed. I also go to grad school in addition to my full-time job. The exhaustion from lack of sleep added with the emotional stress from my relationship has taken its toll in so many areas of my life.

    I’ve approached my girlfriend many times about this and she has admitted that she has a problem, but nothing ever changed. However, this past Thursday she and I began talking about the problem and she finally said that she wanted to get help. She enrolled herself in an out-patient alcoholics rehab treatment center which should begin on Monday. A rush of fresh air had been added to our life. However, knowing that she is going to have to stop drinking on Monday, my girlfriend has been drinking every night since she decided to enroll herself in rehab. At first she said she just wanted to finish off a bottle of wine we had in the house because it would go bad. After that she just kept on drinking. Tonight she drank her usual belligerent amount and a conversation between her and I that began as small talk to keep her company while she ate before bed turned into a confusing argument with her yelling at me in sentences that only had about 20% english in them, and then she eventually told me to leave her alone and f*** off.

    She passed out in our bed, and I’m sitting here on the couch where I will hopefully get at least a few good hours of sleep in. I’m worried about her not going through with the program, because she is rationalizing her excessive drinking now because of the program. Also, she bringing up little “what ifs” about her going into the program. “What if” her job finds out why she is really taking a short term leave of absence? “What if” her ex-husband somehow finds out that she was in rehab, because then he will be able to take our daughter (her biological daughter, my step-daughter) away from us.

    I love this woman and I support her with all my heart. And I know I’m no where near perfect. I just want her to be happy. And she has expressed many times that she is not happy with her current drinking situation. I would also like to be happy. I would like for my girlfriend and I to be happy. And I’m not sure why I wrote all this out. I’m sorry for it being so long-winded. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this.

    1. I feel ya CLL i dont live with my girlfriend she still has a teenager at home and doesnt want to make him uncomforatble with the relationship. But she has had a drinking problem for as long as i knew her just didnt know it was a problem when i fell in love. She has quit for nearly a year and i didnt did drink either to support her. That ended with a vacation away from me and the opportunity to drink. Rigth now i find myself wondering if i should continue this ride. It is up and down endlessly, she has a successful career and gets through day after day. We truley care about each other but i am not sure i have the strength again. I may look into the meetings, she went for months but never wanted me to come. i offered over and over, I may have to do it for myself for guidance. Trouble is i like to social drink but can never put my guard down, i end up stopping to take her home. Felt good to get this out as i was typing we agreed to not talk or text for a few days so think things through

  16. Reading these entries makes me feel not so alone. I realize that I do need to go to Al-Anon, and I will go sometime this week. I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 8 years. We have two small kids, 7 and 2. If it weren’t for them, I would be long gone from this terrible situation. While he doesn’t physically abuse me, the verbal and mental abuse happens on a daily basis.

    He has been going to AA off and on throughout the years, but ends up drinking again. Currently, he is sober (for about 2 weeks) and is going to AA. I hate this stage just as much as I hate him being drunk. He goes to AA meetings, and when he comes home, he treats me like I am part of his problem. I go out of my way to not nag him or enable him in any way. Yet he lashes out at me and finds the most idiotic things to try to make me feel bad about myself. When he goes to AA, suddenly, he’s perfect and according to him, I need to start cleaning more, and working out to better myself. (he’s called me a fat B**** more than once. ) I know he has some sort of mental disorder along with the alcoholism. Some days, he goes through these stages, it’s so bad, I can almost see the storm that’s going on inside him. He is so disconnected with me. The only time he tries to connect is when he wants sex. I want a divorce. I don’t want to see him through this. I’ve had enough.

    Thanks for the rant. I am going to Al-Anon to learn how to side step the landmines in my home.

  17. Hello.

    I am getting married in a few months and my fiancee’ is an alcholic. He has been trying to quit several times, but he can’t do it himself. He want’s help one minute and the next minute he say’s he’s OK.

    The thing that scares me the most is that he has alchol withdraw seizures. He has his first one March of 2008. when he first had it, he went about weeks without drinking.

    The next time he has one was in July. He then again, would stop drinking for awhile and then think that he’s OK and will start back up again.

    He’s had atleast one every month since October 2008. I am so worried. These sezures (like any one) are not good. It makes him forgetful and just completely out of it.

    When he’s sober he is a competely different person. he is the person I fell in love with. I am trying to write a letter about how I love him and everything, I just don’t know what to say and how to put it.

    Can anyone help?

    Thank you,


    Frustrated Fiancee’

  18. hey reading this is so familiar,,,my partner of 10 yrs doesn t even grace me with his presence after work,its straight to the bar!i dont drink at all(teetotal) and as well as university studies i work p/t at weekends to help finances,,my 7 yr old daughter is confused as when hes not on a bender hes a sweet caring guy,but demon drink turns him into aggressive,argumentative person who i almost hate,he will turn his phone off so i cant phone him,,buying him more drinking time,swear at me,argue,pick fight with people at bar,and now i feel the time has come for me and my kid to go!she doesnt deserve this,neither do i!!!!he is very nasty verbally with drink and we live in a small town(he has “small town mentality”im from the city)i really want to pack up and go,,(not easy as im in yr 2 at university and afraid of uprooting my daughter) but its what is keeping me sane,knowing that i may one day find the power and strength to get the hell out,not be worried every friday night that hes gonna blow money on drink(he also does coke occasionally so i found out recently!)i want to complete my education,move back to the city with my daughter and start LIVING again

  19. I am Stuart and live in London United Kingdom, I am 53 yrs of age and I am a full-time live-in Carer to a young man (25) who suffers from Epilepsy and other brain afflictions following brain surgery to remove a ‘sist’. I have cared for him for 6 years now and he has been a very heavy ‘binge’ drinker throughout my time with him. He is not violent, just really childish behavior with me and our friends which can be very embaressing. He has been ‘picked on’ out on the street by groups of youths when he is wasted as they realise he is an easy target. He has lost a lot of money, mobile phones and bags of beer in this way which I think is really pathetic on the robbers behalf. I have tried so many times to explain that his ‘sick pay’ is for paying his bills and on-going food bills etc, but he never listens and just wastes the money on lots of booze and gets wasted 15 days out of 20 on average. I can understand his frustration in not being able to work, due to his disability etc but his drinking will put him in an early grave. I have tried to get him into self help alcoholic groups, but he gets wasted so he can not attend and thinks it’s all a laugh. I have taken advice from this website and seperate myself from his presence when he is wasted so he has no one to argue with and all I have to do is wait untill he falls asleep in a drunken state. Roll on the next day, when it all happens again. Thanks for listening.

  20. Yes it is very nice to hear that there are other people who feel as lost as i am about this area, and that there are people who can over come it. When i met my boyfriend, we were still in college, so a lot of drinking for both of us was taking place, but as i neared the end of college, my drinking came to a stop, for one i think i had mature beyond getting drunk, just to be drunk. (alot of people in college just get drunk to be drunk). But two, i saw what affect alcohol had on my partner. So i thought if i drink less he will drink less but of course that was not the case, i just became, in his words, “less fun” and “more serious”. I made it a point not to buy alcohol any more, but he still would.

    The sad thing is i still like to drink (in the normal way millions of people do every day). now the only time i drink is when i am away from him, or when he is out of town. Sometimes i make the mistake of buying some beer or wine, and it never fails, because as soon as i am done with ONE glass of beer or wine he has finished almost half of the rest.

    I do find it sadly funny that all of us can instantly tell when our partners have been drinking. I can hear the slightest slur in his speech, see the faintest gloss in his eyes. And i know he has been drinking.

    the thing that scares me most is the violence, and how it has been getting worse each time it happens. He never has hurt me, but he starts the fights. And the fights usally start cause i pour out some of his booze so he can’t have any more. and this is when he goes into a rage cursing and yelling at me. I always just ignore it but soon i start to get angry myself and yell back at him. I have hurt him a few times on accident cause he has started physical fights and because he is so drunk and i am sober i end up hurting him defending myself. And it breaks my heart to know that i have hurt him. i don’t want to hurt him, but when he kicks me the stomach or, pushes me into a wall while yelling at me, i will just react and he ends up hurt and then crying and then more drama will start.
    This is area that i need the most help with, is when he drinks him self stupid and the fights start. I get into a panic myself and don’t know what to do.

    Anyway i feel better after reading the comments on here and it has given me more hope for myself and for my partner. I hope for peace for all of us


  21. I am like many of you. I am not married. And I can hear all of those voices of advice…”Oh, you need to leave him while you can”…”you know it doesn’t get any better”…”you are not married. Why are you still there?” Really. I have given myself (and others) this advice. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. We have been together for a long time now, and have been through quite a bit together– military restationing, his deployment to Iraq, some sort of adjustment regularly. I am quite confident that we have a great realtionship, one of the best I know and friends who truly look up to us…when he is sober. He is a wonderful person, my best friend. He is loving, very respectful, communicates well (even about his drinking), very trustworthy, etc. But, these are the words I can only whole-heartedly use when he is sober. (To say that took a great deal of honesty.) He is a daily drinker. Sometimes a few beers and sometimes 10 beers. He regularly uses a couple of those beers to chase shots of whiskey. I honestly cannot remember if he has taken a day off since he has gotten back from Iraq.

    I also grew up with an alcholic mother, so I am no stranger to manipulation and the effects that this disease can have on loved ones. (Did I mention that I also have a Masters degree in Public Health, and worked with substance abusive people for awhile?) Yes, I know how to diagnose an alcoholic, yet it took me years to diagnosis the one I live with. I was in denial.

    He is not an abusive alcoholic. He doesn’t throw things or destory things, but he comprimises some things that are very important to me in a relationship. Silly, little things that mean so much to me. I like to sleep together every night in the same bed. I make sure that our feelings are reitterated every day by saying “I love you” every night. I like to go to dinner and parties together and expereince fun things together. These things really do mean a lot to me. Some say I have high expectations, but I say that there are just fundamental values that other people classify as stellar expectations. (For instance, I don’t feel that I am lucky because my partner is faithful– that should go without saying. He isn’t a “good guy” because he doesn’t hit me. That is ridicoulous.) Because of his drinking, the things that are important to me are comprimised– sometimes he doesn’t make it to bed. Sometimes he passes out before he has a chance to say and hear “I love you.” Sometimes, he doesn’t want me to go to a party because according to him it would be “awkward”– but I really know that it is because he is goign to get very drunk, and then feel so embarrassed and ashamed that he has let me down. He has admitted to his drinking problem, and isn’t defensive– but ashamed and at a loss on what to do. He is also scared to find another coping mechanism to life struggles. And the only thing I can say to him (and myself) that isn’t mean (when I really want to scream at him and be so mad at what he did the night before), “I can commit to someone who is diabetic, but I can’t commit to someone who is a diabetic and doesn’t want to take his insulin.” It really is, to me, dealing with someone who isn’t treating a disease. And I now feel that I have to take more energy and effort sorting out the problems that involve alcholic, and less energy on things that I need to work on with this relationship. (I am not perfect either. I take work stress home. I wish I could start workign on that.) It also doesn’t help that I am the ONLY one who knows his secret. His family and friends see him as the great guy that he truly is. SO many times, I have wanted to call his father and beg for his help. (He is a great guy too, and a mentor to my boyfriend.)

    So, when my two best friends suggest that I leave him (who also get teary-eyed when they say that), I understand. I know I am a fantastic person who deserves to be with someone who buys me flowers instead of whiskey. I deserve to be with someone who is reliable and won’t consistently let me down. I also understand that I am sad without him– that he, since the day I met him 5+ years ago, makes my day so much better. I am happy to be with someone that I am proud of, and look forward to spending the rest of my days together with– both the good and the bad days. I am also sad for him. That he has gone through so much, and it makes me sad for him that he knows no other way to relieve these problems than through drinking.

    I hope, for him, that he finds the help that he needs to work through not only the “crutch” but also the evils that bother him day-in and day-out. I also hope that I have the strength and patience to help him through it.

    1. Sarah, your post made me cry, it was like reading about myself. I have a boyfriend who i love to pieces and he feels the same about me, infact he is so lovely, a really good guy exept for the fact he is an alcoholic. I found this out after a few month sbeing together, but i said i would support him and we want to get married. This is a long distance relationship, and he drinks when he is lonely without me.My family worry about me having a struggle with him but I love him too much to leave him. Can you give me any advice?

  22. I am living with a monster. We have two children who are 9 months and 22 months old. He leaves and doesn’t come home. Don’t know where he is, doesn’t pick up his phone. He got fired three weeks ago and still doesn’t have a job. I have to support the whole family, but now that there is only one income, I don’t have the means to support everything. Mortgage, daycare and bills. I don’t make enough for it all. I am so tired of giving him chances. I got him out of trouble and now he wrecked a vehicle I just got and he went to the hospital and got a DUI. Again he was MIA for two days and the next call I got was him at the hospital needed a ride with the news of my vehicle being totaled. I only had liability. What is a person to do? He really is a good father when he is home, but it is not right to disappear and come and go as you please. It is my home and I am not running a shelter. I need help and no one can tell me anything because i guess these decisions can only be made by me. Anyway, I have to figure things out.

  23. Wow….I’ve just been sitting here reading through everything and some people I can relate too and others I feel bad for. My partner and I have been in a relationship on and off for 4 and a half years. We met in college…he was 20 and I was 22. We had actually went to high school together but didn’t really know each other. We both came from christian families, but both drank in college. When I met him…he had been going through a tough time and was starting to drink regularly at night before going to bed. I guess I didn’t think much of it because I drank regularly every weekend at parties. After being together a short time we accidentally got pregnant and since we were so young and not finished with college we were very stressed. However, a month after finding out and adjusting to the news…I had a miscarriage. It was horrible emotionally. He was there for me for the next 6 weeks as I finally started to pick myself back up. When I was ready to be there for him…he pushed me away and we ended up breaking up. We stayed best friends after that and would come back to the idea of being back together every now and then, but nothing ever came of it. We then dated other people.
    About 2 years ago, my mother passed away with cancer and he was the first one on my door step to help me through it. After that, we knew we wanted to be back together and have been together ever since. About 6 months after we got back together, I moved in with him. I didn’t realize just how bad the drinking had gotten. He would have a little drink in the morning to get him through the day. And several at night to put him to sleep. He was a “functional alcoholic.”
    After a few months of living with him, I confronted him when he was sober about his drinking and that he really needed to stop if he wanted a future with me. So then, he started hiding his booze (vodka is his choice). Which doesn’t work…because when he drinks…even one swig…I know! I can tell by his eyes, his voice, the way he becomes almost child-like, and by his gate. About 6-8 months ago…his parents found out about his drinking. Then most of the family found out. Around that time he proposed to me…and me…loving him as much as I do…said yes. When he asked…I told him he had to stop drinking before we got married. Since then…his drinking has spiraled way out of control. He is no longer a night drinker. He’s an every hour of the day drinker. He wakes up and drinks himself into oblivion, passes out, wakes up repeats drinking into oblivion, passes out, wakes up to maybe eat and talk for a few minutes, then drinks and sleeps the rest of the night. Since he has been hiding his booze…I did the absolute wrong thing by searching for the bottles and dumping them. Not bright, since all he will do is wait until I go to work or bed then drive to the store and get another 1-3 bottles to hide around the apartment. And if he knows I’m home, he’ll pick up a bottle, drink it on the way home (WHILE DRIVING), and then come inside to realize he’s drank way too much and passes out wherever he lands. It’s very scary. Twice he has ended up in the ER. After his second ER visit, his parents, family, and I got him to go to rehab.
    He was so positive while in rehab. He thought he had figured out how to stay sober and get his life straight. He knew when he got out that his job would want him sober for a while before he could return. Needless to say, he got out of rehab last Friday…and by Sunday night he had relapsed. Tuesday night I was unsure if I should call an ambulance or not because sometimes he gets sooo drunk he becomes unresponsive. Anyway, I’ve decided to move out. I’ve been going to Al-Anon for a couple of weeks and it has made me think about myself more and working on my own attitude so that I can help him.
    I went to my Al-Anon meeting last night (Wednesday) and he went to his AA meeting. I texted him to say that if he was sober when I got home that I would stay the night. I got back to our apartment to find him passed out in the bedroom floor. He had drank just as much as he did the night before. I rolled him on his side, checked his vitals (they were fine), checked to see if he was responsive (he’d open his eyes when I smacked him on the face). So I gave him a pillow and blanket, wrote him a letter saying I had moved out, packed my clothes and necessities and went to a friend’s house to stay. I was calm through the whole thing. I didn’t let myself get angry. I decided right then and there to “Let go, and let God.” I refuse to let alcoholism control my life like it has the past 2 years. Of course I worried all night and got little sleep. I wondered if he was ok. For so long I have taken care of him when he gets that drunk. At 6am when I was getting ready for work, he texted me to say he was “Sorry and he loved me.”
    I love him too and I told him I would be here for him as a support and as a friend if he needed me. Our relationship and our engagement is over as of now. If he gets sober and stays sober for awhile…I would definitely think about trying again. But for now, moving out was the option I chose to keep me emotionally sane!
    For anybody wondering if they should leave or stay. Leaving doesn’t mean that you have to abandon that person. You do whatever it is that makes you feel better. If moving out, but seeing them still is the way, go for it. If that doesn’t work and you gain more strength and you can totally move on, go for it. Find what is going to make you have peace of mind. And if you haven’t gone to an Al-Anon meeting yet…GO! It’s awesome to know that you’re not alone and that other people are going through the same thing or have went through it many years ago, but still go to the meetings to keep their minds positive. Take care of yourselves first people and don’t let alcoholism rule your life!

  24. Hello Been there,

    Your blog inspired me to start my own as I can relate to every single detail you have written. It not only makes me feel that I’m not alone, it makes me realize that my situation is NOT unique and that I’m not that DIFFERENT from everyone else. For a long time, I put myself in my own category thinking that I’m not like THEM in al-anon. Instead, thinking my boyfriend was different because he worked, because he wasn’t broke, because he was young, etc. But, after reading everything you have written as well as all of the comments, I see there is so much common ground with all of us. I was uncomfortable with calling myself “co-dependent” as I’ve been in healthy relationships before and I did not identify with all of the characteristics of a typical co-dependent. But one thing is for sure, I’m CONTROLLING and OBSESSED with my boyfriend. I am an addict too…to him…My way of “rescuing” him is through sabotaging him – trying to get him in trouble with family, friends, letting everyone know so I can have their support. But, again, my focus is on him and his problem and boy am I an expert on his problem and his patterns. I’m also a counselor so I know myself pretty well, but awareness does not necessarily mean action. I am finally reaching out for help as I cannot do this by myself. I’ve been going to therapy, but all I talk about is HIM. I am attempting to return to Al-Anon because I’ve been in denial that I have a problem too.

    If you have a moment, please check out my blog. I’d love any support, feedback you could provide.

  25. wow there are so many of us living like this. i guess why i havent left is because idont want to be lonely. but then i am lonely even if he is sober and at home. the damage he does remains in my memory and i feel lke a fool if i am nice to him and love him the next day. i cant keep on living like this day in day out. the best thing i can do is keep on looking after myself and loving myself,by myself. im sure his addiction to alcohol is a reflection of some sort of illness in myself and im on my way to finding it. i must of been sick myself to accept him into my home and have a relationship with him. its been 5years i thought he was going thru a party phase as he was 25 i was 28. well that phase has not ended and i know now, what he is. he is as sick as me but his sickness is more obvious than mine. hmmm wonder what mine is. loving too much? stems from fckd up childhood..yep sounds about right. gosh thts gonna be a long time spent on fixing myself. will be worth it.

  26. one more thing to you all out there searching like me. never believe all the horrible things they say about you and realise they need to be horrible to feel guilty to drink. they have a sickness which was there before they met you, evn if they didnt drink, it was lurking there, you know horrible issues that we grow up with some ppl ddrink some ppl smoke some ppl ignore but develp physical disease, some ppl eat, some ppl buy too much stuff, most of us do have a empty place in out heart that we try to fill. this world makes it acceptable to be consumers of all these things but this world cant fill that place in us. i beleive tht the body is the temple of the holy spirit of God and this is something – amidst our great expansive civillisation full of this and that, we never hear about. if only alot of ppl heard that our body is holy, and their was Popular culture along those lines, most of us would be on our way to healing ourselves. but that statement does not serve the god of this its left in the dust, like we will be left in the dust with our bottles, cigarrettes, excess food etc. Funny how those things cost money too..and we are still left empty. pray for strength and pray for courage and pray for peace to the lord jesus. amen.

  27. i am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 8 years now. every night he fights with me when hes drinking. im scared, im tired, im fed up. and he blames me for his drinking.

  28. My heart is breaking because my husband walked out of the house after us getting into a row about his drinking. I am freaking out. He is verbally very abusive when he drinks, carries on about my weight and I have been silly enough to try and pour his drink down the sink or hide it from him. He went ballistic and instead of backing away I also was furious. NOT GOOD!!

    I am a mess but it is good to hear others experience

  29. I have read all, well most, of the above witha lot of interest and sympathies. All too often the advice offered quotes, “Tell him… Leave him… He’s this… He’s that…” Well, It also works the other way. My wife has a serious, though not constant drink problem.

    I’ve threatened to leave if she ever did it again, so many times now she surely knows I’ll never leave her regardless. She’s told me it’s gone on for years. She suffered from a lack of confidence and self esteem, yet knows she is worse when drunk. I’ve found vodka hidden in Lucozade bottles in her drawers, hidden in the garden, pretty much everywhere.

    I’ve asked her to seek councelling, but the problem for her is due to her job, she knows all of the regions councellors for alcohol and addiction very well, and it could compromise her position.

    I think we’ve had a break through, I bought a breathalyzer unit and have threatened to test her daily, but after she came clean telling me exactly how bad it was and how much she drank, it seems to have given her a lift. In the last 3 weeks I haven’t suspected her once and I’m pretty quick to jump on her if I am the slightest bit suspicious as we have young children in the house.

    I will be looking back in here as it seems like it could be useful to me. I have no one I can trust with this, so it’s useful.
    Just wanted to let you all know that it’s not a world full of abusive drinking men, the women are capable of turning nasty too!

  30. These postings have helped me understand what my partner is going through. She recently dumped me because she could not handle how I would get so upset and start fights about her drinking. She would always blame the arguments on my immaturity or my past, but when it came down to it, she was in denial of the truth. When we first got together, she said she was a social drinker and smoker and a few weeks into the relationship I realized that it was all false. She drinks 10 to 18 beers a night and when we spend time with her friends she can drink up 36 beers a night or more. I felt so helpless and hopeless. It was hopeless. The arguments would arise, I would break up and say mean things to get her to hear me and my pain from her abuse, but in the end there was no point to it. When we were alone on trips, she did great, she had that self control and I hated returning home because my heart would shatter. It was the same routine again for her. I am not important when she drinks. I don’t exist unless I drink too. She would say that the beer is chosen over me, but I stayed and continued for two years. IN a way I am blessed that she ended our relationship, but the pain is so fresh for me and I am dying inside because I love her so much. When she is good, she is great. I want children and I would not bring children into a relationship like this. She is never going to change and for a while I refused to let reality be reality and now I see. It hurts so badly. She is the love of my life and it will never be.
    They don’t change because you want them to. An ended relationship is not rock bottom for them.

  31. I just broke up with my husband. I dont know how I was so blind for so long. he has been drinking pretty much around the clock for the last year (and lots before that too).
    I have been increasingly more alone mentally and phsically. He has lost everything our daughter refuses to speak to him, he is fired from his job and I cant bear to see him like that.
    Nothing I say to him sinks in he is never sober to talk to because he doesnt have big benders just maintains a medium style drunk all the time he even wakes up at night to drink.
    It is sofrustrating that my feelings count toward nothing to him.
    i have been so lonley and sad, but not anymore. (trying not to be) its actually easier to do everything by myself.
    I cant wait til I am feeling strong and stop thinking about him and how he screwed me over.

  32. It is doing me good to read all these, this is the 1st time I’ve come to this site, but so sad, too, I find myself sympathising so much with all of you it is a horrific situation, my ex-partner has lost everything, he pretty much blew all our savings that we both worked hard to get (through doing up and selling our house in the UK at a huge profit) thinking to buy something in France (his home country) and have a more peaceful, relaxed life. How dumb I was! I convinced myself. He used to be a nice guy, generous, considerate, affectionate, we used to be happy, it’s been a gradual downward slide, we were together 20 years, he is very disturbed and regularly verbally abusive to me (when drinking) and last night called me “evil” in front of our lovely 12-year old daughter. I am forced to have him live here as he has no job and no income, all my family say I should chuck him out, but his parents assume I should support him (he stayed with them 5 months last year when I chucked him out, but it is too much for them they are both over 70) so either way what I do is wrong. I know he is manipulating me, but feel trapped don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel sorry for him but a lot of the time I hate him. He has mental health problems due to the drinking (he can switch from being ok to aggressive and threatening after just a couple of drinks), and physical health bouts of arthritis which is very painful, so how can I chuck him on the street? We live in a small town and he’s been banned from most of the pubs for causing trouble but there’s still 1 or 2 he goes to. He’s always hassling me for a bit of money to go “for 1 beer” I realise I have to just say no. He’s supposed to look for a job but it’s me who applies for them, as he won’t. I’m so lonely it’s hard to meet people as I work from home, an attractive guy I know is v interested in me but he’s married so if I go there even just for comfort it will just cause more trouble. My ex has put me down for years calling me “fat b****” and much much worse, and I know it’s wrong, but I really believe it now? What to do? He’s tried to kill himself twice (last time my daughter’s friend’s dad literally helped me save him, he tried to hang himself in the garage last summer) and now my daughter’s friend is not allowed to come here because of that, it is so unfair. I feel suicidal myself now, but wouldn’t do it. He has had treatment he’s been in psychiatric hospital 3 times, and it hasn’t helped at all they just gave him loads of Valium. I want a quiet peaceful life and to meet a guy and have a normal relationship (I’m 42) and find myself praying that he’ll die and hating myself for it. Help! He has fallen out with my Mum a few years ago and calls her loads of names (to me, again in front of our daughter) and this is really upsetting too. He said I’m making his parents ill and if either of them die it will be my fault……

  33. Wow. It is comforting(and sad) to see how many people are going through what I am. I met my husband when I was 20 and have been together for 7 years, married for one. I love him with all my heart, but his drinking is like a poison to our relationship. He is not a physically abusive drunk but has caused tremendous amounts of pain to myself and stress to our relationship. I have grown to hate the person he is when he is drunk, and hate driving home from work, not knowing just how drunk he will be when I get there. So many times I have threathened to leave, he promises me he will cut down or stop, that I mean more to him than anything and I so badly want to believe what he promises will not be broken. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him, but know that I can’t keep living like this. He thinks he can fix it himself but I have been through it so many times, I can write the book. Sometimes it feels so hard to break away, when u know how good it can be. I can’t talk to anyone, I hide how bad things are from my friends and family because I don’t want them to worry. Anyone with advice please help. I am at my witts end.

  34. I found this page after an internet search, and I’m glad I did! Not only does it make me feel less alone, but a chance to share my story too. I think everyone that has posted is so brave – I hope things can get better for you all. My boyfriend was diagnosed with depression last year – and was put on medication. Instead of getting better, he was getting worse and soon ended up in a psychatric ward. It came out that he had been doing large ammounts of drugs every day since his diagnosis to ‘help’ him feel better. He was then diagnosed with psychotic tendancies and potential bi polar disorder – and as he was having nurse visits and weekly blood tests he turned to drink. And when he does drink, its like a stranger has appeared from nowhere. He yells and punches walls, insults me and makes me feel like he’s doing me a favour by being with me. He acts like a child. Pinching, clinging, biting and grabbing. I’m always scared he will do more. And despite the stench of alcohol, the slurred speaking and glazed eyes – he will deny it. He admits it every now and then to me and his nurses – and swears it will all change. But 2 days later it will start again. Complete with rages if I ever ask him if he has had a drink. It kills me watching him destroy his life. He takes 4 different tablets a day to control his disorder – and I feel sick with worry that he will accidently overdose on meds and alcohol. I am only 20, and he is 21 – and I feel like I have a huge responsibility for him. When we met he was the most perfect person in the world, and I wish he was back. I love him with all my heart, and I will always be by his side – waiting for those sober moments. It just seems right now that Prince Charming is more like a toad.

  35. I have been thinking about ways to end my relationship of 6 years with my partner who drinks heavily. We had been living together on and off for a number of years. He wasn’t working until a couple of years ago when I helped him enrol in college and start a new career.
    The reason that our relationship was on and off is that he would drink heavily to the point where he becomes obnoxious, at times verbally abusive and/or would pass out. A couple of times he even peed in the bed. The first time that happened, he said that he was very sick and had some type of brain problem. I would ask him to leave (it’s my home), he would say no and would refuse to leave. I eventually had to call the police to get him out.
    He would be on his own for a while and it seemed, would not drink at all. He would call and leave messages at night about how much he loved me and how we should be together, his dog (well, our dog) and he and I. That we are a family. He would also say, and this is the tricky part, that he is not an alcoholic, he is an alcohol abuser. He says, that he can stop drinking any time he wants to… and he has done this in the past. Well, during the sober times, when he was his real, funny and fun self, I helped him get a life back, he started to work and since then, has never missed a day. He said that he would never again drink to the point where he would cause a problem for anyone… including me. Well, the drinking seemed to be under his control and he would drink on weekends, never to the point where he would be obnoxious or verbally abusive and slowly, he made his way back into my life, to the point where we were living together again.
    Things were good up until a few months ago. He started to come home from work and drinking just as we got home. In the past, he would only drink in the evenings. He would do that a few days a week, but lately it’s been every night. Although his tolerance has always been very high, he can easily drink half a bottle of vodka or rum and not seem that drunk, the fact that he is now drinking every night is so worrisome to me. I feel so let down. I see that he is choosing to drink alone, and stay up late, at times until 2 or 3 a.m. rather than to come to bed. The intimacy, the sex, the closeness, is disappearing from our relationship.
    At times when he’s sober, I’ve tried to talk to him about my concerns. He tells me to be quiet, he doesn’t want to talk about something that is not an issue. He says that he is not abusive in any way, that he drinks because he finds it fun, and that I should just leave him alone and stop trying to kill the joy in his life. This hurts me a great deal as in my mind, I like to think that there is greater joy in sharing intimacy with your partner, than in staying up drinking alone. I don’t understand why he does this almost every night. We don’t have children together, he is in his early 50s and is a few years older than me. I feel cheated, as when I was married, I had an extremely active sex life and now, it seems, it’s all but disappeared.
    I want to ask him to leave. He is in such denial about his drinking. He doesn’t seem to care about the fact that choosing to drink every night and retreating into his own world of watching loud music videos with his headphones on, is hurting me terribly. I feel as though I’m alone anyway. I have to live with the fear that I might not be getting enough sleep at night when he stumbles into bed and wakes me up or tries to talk to me in his stupid drunken state. I want to ask him to leave but I know he’ll just say no way. He’s paying me rent every month, he never misses a day of work and is never late. He says that he’s doing nothing wrong and that I should just accept him the way he is and stop trying to control him. He says that he doesn’t care what I do or try to control me, so I should give him the same respect. I am at a total loss. I don’t know if I love him anymore as the intimacy we once had is gone. He gets his intimacy from being drunk. And then, to add insult to injury, I have to watch him hug and kiss his dog for hours and listen to him tell the dog how much he loves her. I love the dog too, but his behaviour is just too hurtful. I’d rather be alone at this point.
    Thank you to anyone who has read this and is considering responding. No one in my life knows about this and it has helped me to sit and write this. Thanks again.

    1. This all sounds so familiar! Look the way it is, is he is living the way he chooses to live and it is affecting the way you want to live. Go out and buy a local paper with ads for rental accommdation, circle a few that would be around the same cost as he is paying you and say, ‘okay you want ot live as a drinker, I don’t want to live with a drinker. I still have feelings for you and I enjoy your company when you are sober. So here’s the deal. You move out and listen to your loud music and go to bed when you like and drink as much as you like with out me nagging or worrying or being woken up and when you are sober we’ll meet up and have quality time together.’ But only do this if you are going to carry it through. He’ll make a decision and it may involve him moving out and deciding if he is really having ‘fun’ and enjoying his lifestyle. If he is, so be it! You are still young and a woman with bedroom and affection needs!! I did this with my guy and it was a big wake up call. I did it because I meant it, I decided it would be a practical way for us both to go. He stayed and went to rehab. Can’t say that will happen for everyone but if the opposite happens at least you have some of your precious life back and you are not living to someone elses tune. Good luck.

  36. Hi Been There
    Thanks for taking the time to respond. I have no problem asking him to leave and have done so in the past. The problem arises when I do ask him to leave, he simply says “No, I’m paying rent to you, I’m not doing anything wrong, you’re the one with the issue, so I’m not leaving, you leave if you want.”
    I tell him that it’s my home, I’m making the mortgage payments on this house and I am not leaving my own home.
    Now, interestingly, he has been a little bit happier and not as obnoxious when he’s drinking. For example, he stayed up quite late last night and drank almost half a bottle of vodka. This morning he was a bit louder than normal but not obnoxious. He doesn’t like talking about his drinking. He just wants to be left alone to do what gives him pleasure.
    I was reading part of the AA book online, Chapter 8 deals with wives and it says that we should treat the drinker as someone with an illness. Always respond with love, and let them do what they need to do. All of our complaining just makes them drink more. I tried letting go and it seems to help. I’m focussing more on me and exercising and getting healthy. However, there is still the fear that he might get obnoxious again, that he might spiral into full blown alcoholism and that I will be left picking up the pieces of his wasted life. There is also the possibility that by leaving him alone and not complaining, that he may just realize that he’s hurting himself and do something about it.
    When he’s sober during the days, he’s funny, kind and hard working. I just don’t really know the best course of action….

  37. I don’t know what I should be doing?

    After reading all the posts, I am confused more than ever! I have grown up in an alcoholic home where my stepfather was very abusive and now I have been married for 2 years to a man who is verbally abusive when he drinks. I see that this will be an ongoing problem for as long as I stay with him. Of course I already know this after seeing what my mother has lived the majority of her life. My husband has quit drinking for many months and starts again when things are going well in our home. We do not have any children at home so no one sees this but me. My husband rarely gets out of hand in front of people, it is usually only with me. He constantly says I am the one with the emotional problems and anger issues. Of course I have anger issues, I am angry when I have to deal with his problems. I am 42 years old and am finally enjoying my life and work. I think he is having problems with me becoming successful in my personal life and puts me down when he is drinking. He is constantly saying I am not happy and I will never find what I am looking for. I am having to reassure him that I love him or find him attractive….this is making me angry and frustrated! I am at the point where I am ready to leave, I have threatened and left and then came back. I don’t want to deal with his alcoholism, I love him but I am finding I am loosing respect for him and that is not a good thing. I don’t believe a thing he tells me and I don’t have a lot of faith in alcoholics. I am going out of town for a couple weeks to work and I am hoping that will give us some time to think about things and decide what direction we should really be going. I am being very realistic about this whole problem, I know this will be an ongoing struggle for him and our relationship and I really don’t know if I am prepared to go through with it. Sometimes love is not enough.

    1. Well done! What you have done, and are doing, is what every person living with an alcoholic is told to do – live their own life and detach with love. However, what is interesting is that you are now seeing the results of your actions – the alcoholic sees how you have changed, how you are happy without them ‘causing’ that happiness and that you are in control of you. This makes the alcoholic very uncomfortable as they 1. start to question themselves and 2. you are no longer enabling their drinking so they have to take resposnibility for their own actions, which they find terrifying and 3. they don’t want you to change because they will have to change too to keep you in their life.

      The result is they want to put you back where you belong, back in their comfort zone, so they can continue drinking and not have to face the painful truth. So they will put you down, insult you, tell you you won’t succeed, to give up now and stop wasting time, you will never be happy, stop getting above yourself, you can’t live without them, etc. This is what you are experiencing now and you are staying strong – well done again!

      The next stage will probably be the begging, helpless stage, where all the above is reversed – they can’t live without you, they are a failure, they are so unhappy they have to drink, etc. to the point of suicidal threats, promises to stop etc. Should you believe them? I can’t answer this. I suppose you need to ask, have they reached rock bottom,ie. through their substance abuse have they caused enough pain in their own lives and their loved ones lives to recognise that they have a problem? Alcoholics have terrible self esteem, guilt complexes and the idea of changing their ways is terrifying – its like someone asking them to cut off a limb.

      When your loved one gets to this stage you can then suggest that you both go for counselling or go to a rehab centre to have a chat with someone who can help. You need to do your research before you get to this point! YOu need to gather info on rehab centres and counsellors in your area and choose the ones that would suit you, so when the time comes you can direct your partner in that direction swiftly and with ease. Be tactful – don’t slap alot of leaflets in front of them and say ‘Thank god at last you have seen sense!’.

      So waht should you do Ready to Be Alone? I can’t answer that, but the great thing is that you have the opportunity to take time out and think about things. For me, I knew my husband’s potential of being a loving and supportive friend, father and partner so I knew that we could have a good life together if we took our time and did the repair work. Once I got strong and to the stage you are at, the next step for us was for him to admit to being an alcoholic and start doing something about getting that poison out of his mind. This takes a lot of time and effort for both parties involved. We’re together 17 years and of those I have none 4 sober, we’ve had great times and terrifing times but I am so glad I stuck it out because we have a very strong relationship as a result. It was hard to stay strong and many times I crumbled – what would have happened if I left for good and ended the relationship? who knows! Maybe you need to think back on your complete relationship and decide if their is a bond between you that is worth saving?
      Take care of yourself.

  38. I am 49 years old, going to be 50 in a couple of weeks. My husband of 24 years died from be an alcoholic, which led to overdosing on drugs. We have 2 beautiful grown children and now they have no father. He was sober for about 10 years and then it just turned, but if I think about it, I don’t think he ever recovered. Anyway, I am still living with the repucutions on my past. I had a boyfriend for about 3 years, realized he was an alcoholic and of course I was strong when I met him, but then I became “co-dependent”. I saved this man’s life, he went into cardiac arrest and I did CPR (no I’m not a nurse) but instincts took over. Long story short, he ended up alive because of my actions, how did he appreciate it, “told me, what am I supposed to worship the groung you walk on just because you saved my life”???? Now I am living with another man for 2 1/2 years now, guess what, he is an alcoholic, hides vodka in his trunk, closet, basement, etc… It has been a rocky ride and the minute I confronted him about his drinking, low and behold he wants me out, everything is my fault. Me what a dummie, I was begging him to forgive me, I really believe I am the problem. I called to go for therapy and even told him I see I need help with my issues, please have patience with me. He just wants it over, done, wants a break. Tells me do what ever you want to do, I said I don’t want to leave him, I love you honey, why can’t we just work it out. How pathetic I am. Why can’t I just be strong???

  39. This has really helped and didn’t realise their are support groups for the sober partner putting up with a acholic partner. This has helped and I feel like I’m no longer alone other people in the same position through these hard times. You love them, you want to take care of them and they make you bankrupt in the process. I get verbal abuse and mental abuse. But he wont work or help me. I always put him first and havent even considered my needs or bank balance for 3 years until now. Your so right it’s his problem not mine. But why do I love him and scare to leave. I was so much stronger before. I don’t take shit in my job. So why do I crumble with my partner. I feel like a failure myself. Every time his nice my hearts melts. But every day we row and always left hurts, stomach in knotts, headachs. How do you walk from someone you love?

  40. I have just made a decision to go to my first alnon meeting this week. Before I lose my job and my mind from lack of sleep with his snoaring, shakes and verbal abuse all night. I’m a sales director which is tough every day mostly on the road driving. I can put up with abuse from clients. But not my partner end up in tears most nights. Work all day come home and his commatose on the floor or bed every day. I stopped supporting him since he wont get a job and now I’m finding belongings to my home going missing. Where his selling my stuff for drink. So why do I stay. His so lovable when he doesn’t drink which is only in the morning before work. He drunk by 9am all day has a sleep then starts all over again. We row every day. So why can’t I leave. I threw him out once and then every night for 3 weeks knocks on my door between midnight to 3am drunk as a skunk. Why did I believe his lies and take him back. I know he would never lay a hand on me ever. But I know he will never let me leave again or throw him out a second time. He will become a storker begging me to take him back again like before. I think I need help. He does remind me of my dad and the issues we never resolved from childhood. My dad was violent drunk broke every bone in my body from 6 years up to 16 yrs then run away. Child services was never around then. So why am I so drawn to stay with a alcholic boyfriend. My private life is hell and effecting my career badly now. I give up. I tried telling his mum since he will only listern to her and she doesn’t believe her son is a drunk and thinks I’m stiring up trouble. Asking for his mums help was the worst thing I ever did. Now the whole family hate me for trying get help. They think I’m trouble spreading rumours my man is a alcholic they can’t accept the truth either.

    1. You don’t have to stay with him. You should leave him. You aren’t legally married to him. I belive it is time for you to stand up for yourself. Move in with a friend or a family member until you can get on your own feet from him bringing you down like this. Keep trying to do your best! My husband is sometimes similar in the ways of anger and it frustrates me! I know he will quit drinking, though. There’s one thing to be married and know it’s not right for myself to walk away. I know you aren’t married and he’s just your boyfriend, so you shouldn’t have to stay. Don’t let fear of him trying to talk you into letting him back with you. If you have to, call the police and have him removed. What’s he going to do? He’ll probably spend the night in jail for being “drunk in public.” You are in NO WAY obligated to stay with this person. As a Christian woman, I am believing and praying for you. I know being married to a person that drinks every night isn’t very easy. I can say he does work 50 hours a week as a fast food manager, so I cant say if he can or cannot drink. that’s on him. He still pays the rent and bills. I do know by the Grace of God that I will make it through. God has a purpose and a plan for me being here. God also has a purpose and a plan for your life. He loves you! He is absolutely crazy about you! Pray to Him to give you the strength you need to tell your boyfriend to go. I know you will get through this!

  41. Yippee. I finally went to a alnon meeting which gave me the strenght to finally throw him out. I don’t speak to him even when he bangs on the door at midnight every night begging for money for drink and me back. I don’t get any sleep. But it’s better then having him selling my belongings and stealing from me to support his habbit. Got spare cash now. So I booked a holiday as a reward to me and my hard work.Now his mum blames me says I’m mentally ill. She can’t accept the fact her son is a alcholic and now moved in with my next door neighbour. Who is also a acholic. So he lives next door 24-7 with another male drunk. I just can’t get any space any way from this guy and even he has the neighbours saying I’m mentally ill. Cause 1. I have a well paid job. 2. I threw him out and stopped supporting his habbit. 3. I’m going new places with my life. I think its the other way round. After I supported this jobless drunk for 3 years and finally stood up for myself and my wages…

    All I want is peace and quiet from this guy. But he wont quit!!!!! I’m afraid he will wear me down and I be back to square one again. Lack of sleep is making me ill…… I can’t move. The house market has dropped and not many people buying. So I’m stuck…

    Any suggestions?

    1. You’re not stuck. Far from it. You have taken the first step out of the sludge. It is a bit close for comfort having him next door and the neighbour is probably delighted to have a drink buddy. Why are you not getting sleep though? Is your head racing and being filled with thinking about what he is doing and how you are going to react to him? If it is just the noise he is making by banging on the door then buy ear plugs! Your neighbours will probably get tired of it and so will he, which may help him start facing up to his drink problem. It does sound like your head is racing – there is a tendancy for those living with an alcoholic to be obsessed with what the alcholic is doing or thinking. Continue to go to alanon meetings as they will help you to help yourself.

      You can’t change other people or their thoughts so don’t mind what other people think of you or what is said about you, I’m sure your neighbours have enough of their own problems and every day challenges to pay any attention to what he has to say about you. Getting away for a night or a few days to give you head space and to recharge your batteries whenever you can will help keep you strong. You are an adult and you make choices about your life and who you spend it with, no matter what his mum thinks!

  42. i live with an alcoholic for 3 years now. In the beginning of my relationship i didn’t realize he was an alcoholic. I figured it was the child custody battle he was going through. plus his family made excuses for his anger and drinking. He became more and more abusive over time and also a substance abuser and addicted to narcotic pain killers. I finally moved out and he begged me back and said yes he’s an alcoholic and remained sober for 55 days. he went steady to AA meetings but I noticed his attitude towards the group began to change and I realized he was slipping. He stopped going to AA and he thinks he can have a drink here and there. He is even more angrier than when i first lived there and now blames me for everything. He is constantly on the defense and blames me for “fighting with him” sometimes I think he fights just so he can find a reason to drink. Help me! I’ve been to alanon twice

  43. I stumbled upon this site while trying to find out answers on what to do. I am living with someone who is an alcoholic. He doesn’t drink through the week, but on weekends he drinks quite a bit and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I am embarrassed to be seen with him in public when he drink because he acts like such an idiot. To me, he is ugly when he drinks. I feel so alone sometimes. I get angry and I end up punching him because he calls me names. He isn’t violent at all, I just hate the way he acts. When he is sober, he is great…a little quiet sometimes but it’s better than him being drunk. I nag at him and I know I shouldn’t. I hide his vodka or i pour it down the drain. 3 weeks ago, I had to call the police because he was getting in my face so bad, that I couldn’t take it anymore. They came and gave him a warning to leave and not come back. Of course he sweet talked me into letting him back, so I did. He promised he was going to quit and that lasted all but 2 weeks. I am so fed up, I love him, but can’t live like this. I am to the point that I hate weekends.

  44. I have beening dealing with my spouse drinking for the last 7 1/2 years. We have a 4 yr old child. Shortly after we got married my father and my husband went into business together (1st mistake). My husband is not responsible and does not know how to deal with finances. Needless to say my father got out about 3 years ago (to a degree) whenever my husband gets in a tight situation he expect my father to get him out of it. During our entire marriage the responsibility of supporting the family has been on my shoulders. My husband has the luxery of sitting at home and “working” on the phone. (LOL) and drinking all day and night. We have gone through a difficult time over the last year. He cheated on me back about 6-9 months and he told me that he did nothing wrong becasue he was going to leave me. I told him we were still legally married AND living together. He informed me earlier this week he had gone to see a pschychatrist and for a BRIEF moment I thought My prayers have been answered, BUT he then went on to tell me it was MY fault that he was a alcoholic because he had begged me 2 1/2 years ago that he needed help. (keep in mind we discussed rehab at length and he said he could not be away from the business so I suggested AA and he flat out said no way). As he was sitting there blaming me I was completely blown away. When he is not having a manic moment he is a very good person and has a good heart. I Love my husband and hope and pray that he wakes up and realizes HE is the one with the issuses and gets help. I asked him if I could be his support person and he told me NO I should have done that 2 1/2 years ago when he begged for my help. He tells me I don’t show him any affection, i don’t care, i don’t love him, etc. I don’t know how much more I can do for him. I am so depressed and I am on medication but I can’t see how it is helping. I have thought about going to counseling but as emotional as i am right now I think it may cause me to completely break down. I want the man i married back and do not know how to get him back.

  45. I’m fretting tonight as a guy I used to go out with, still friends, is intending to go out to a party and get drunk. they boy is a bit too fancy to ride transit (errrrrrrr) and intends to drive not just himself but others. I don’t want to go….I told him I’d pay for a cab to he can get home safely …dork thought I was offering to pick his butt up but nope. Dealt with that kinda crap enough already with him and other people. He refused to take the cab money from me but knowing him he will spend all of his money on booze and not think to have cab fare. He has driven drunk VERY VERY drunk many times….never got caught as far as I know (never with me in the car…..I always have cab fare on me from having to deal with that crap from other people in the past.
    I grew up with a “mother” who did this kinda crap all the time got hauled off to jail a bunch of times.
    I just hope he get home ok or I don’t get a call from jail; had to deal with that kinda crap growing up.
    He is a grown man and too old to change. And a total pain in the neck at times and very hapless in many wany ways.
    I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend at times . And then he can’t figure out why I have no psysical desire for him anymore. I’ve told him but he never learns.

    I think he might be seeing someone else which is fine. She wants him she can have him.
    But I’m worried.

    I’m in aa and dealing with my own drinking; I can still drive legally though. I got lots of folks on my hands who can’t and I have to drive them around as they don’t like transit.

    I simply told him that I’m tried of having to deal with others making messes of their lives cause of drinking and having to be the one to pick up the pieces; I’d rather prevent it in the first place. he seemed to like that.

  46. Well the dork hasn’t called me to let me know if he’s home ok probably just messing with my head. Or so damn drunk he has no clue what he’s doing. Seen him that way before. Sometimes mean as hell, sometims just really annoyingly stupid [No news is good news I hope.
    Just hope he does not try to come by my house tonight all drunk and stupid. He doesn’t have a key; I’ll just drive him to the local all night coffe shop and let him cope.
    And if he calls my house from jail (happened with my mohter) I just call his friends to bail his butt out. I ain’t gonna do it.
    Thing is the jerk knows what hell my mother put me thru but he doesn’t get what it did to me; nor does he care. It’s all about him.
    At this point since he doesn not own a care; just rents them on weekens as it is cheaper, maybe he is driving with a licence. He does a lot of stupid stuff like that. maybe why i’ve always had a hard time getting him to drive my car when my hand was broken.l

  47. i have read almost all of the postings and didnt realize how many of us there are dealing with the same things . Being told the same things its like is there a handbook they give to people who are going to be alcoholics because alot of what everybody said is play by play my life. nice to know im not alone.

  48. Things went from bad to even worse. We split up again 2 months ago. But he lives two doors down all my neighbours are his freinds. So what happened. Death threats, Proper damaged to front door, Harrasement 25-7 for 2 months by 3 flats his mates. I have now got police protection against all acholics, Enviroment health due to harraesment and abuse hits 24 hours and no sleep. Report to their housing assocaition breach off tenancy. Now had major attack of Insomnia with fits most nights from abuse. I cant be given emergency shelter for peace and quiet. No one wonts to no or help. Because this acholic caused a break down on top my family have also walked away from the damage Joseph Taylor caused me. So what do I do now. Signed off ill with insomnia lost my job, health, major attack insomnia and no one wonts to help after the damage this guy has done. I am speaking to legal adviser for prosecution for mental cruelity against 3 flats, vistiros and neighbours I have had the abuse from. all do drugs, acholie and think being kept awake 24 -7 is funny.
    Please help what can I do?

  49. well I have read all those comments at the middle of the night, I don’t have anything as bad as maybe most of these guys went through.

    my partner has been a very heavy drinker for many years, as most of the alcoholics, he just won’t admit that he has drinking problem. he always say that he enjoys a grass a wine with dinner, but a 750ml bottle of white wine is only 3 glasses to him, he pour all the way to the top of the glass! just like how the girls drink in the “cougar town”, and once he started, he just can’t stop until he eventually fall a sleep on the couch. if I won’t let him, he says he can’t sleep and the drink made him relax so that he can go to sleep. and when he doesn’t need to work, even weekdays, he can start drinking when he wakes up till he falls a sleep again.

    we only have been together for maybe 8 months and he kept saying that I am the love of his life and he wants to marry me. he seen like a good husband when he is sober, totally different story when he’s drunk.

    it started to turn into a pattern now, maybe once a month he drinks so heavy and started arguments for tiny little thing and put all wrong on me, we fought, we made out maybe the next day, he apologised and promised won’t happen again and he will change. then he stay good maybe for 3, 4 days, then he start with a glass by a time, then a bottle by a time, we end up where we started all over again.

    he has depression issues and he may be better than what he was before. so he always excuse himself that if I have seen how he drink before I would see big change in him, he is already a lot better, in him mind.

    he told me he grow up seeing his mother been physically abused by his father and step father, and how much he hated it so he will never lay hands on woman. but he did last week, he graded a pillow and slanted on my face, hard. because I didn’t say hello to him when I walk inside the house. because I was angry seeing him drunk, again, all day at home and I have just finished a 12 hours shift. I can put up the fights and arguments but I cannot believe he actually did that to me, despite on how much he said he loves me…….

    last week he made me watch a old movie with him called “leaving las vagas”, its just about how a guy lose him wive and kid and he decided to drink to his death, then he said to me after we finish that horrible movie:”compare to him, I think I am so much better.”. hearing those words come form the person I wanted to get marry with made me feel very very very disgusting and sick. and in shock that he would even consider to compare himself with such a low life like that!!

    as usual he promised me that it won’t happen again. my brain tells me all the right things that he is a bullshit. my emotion asked me to give him one more chance, I know I am stupid sometimes.

    after seen other stories made me feel I am the lucky one, you might think why this stupid woman wasting the space for all the things that do not seen to be matter at all. anyway, thank you for give me the chance to let it all out (can’t tell my parents any of those).

  50. I’m sitting here at the table reading all of these posts and… it’s somewhat comforting to know there are others who understand this hell I live with so frequently. I have lived with my fiancee for over a year now. We’ve dated for a lil over 3 yrs in total. I knew he had drinking problems when I moved in with him, but I so naively thought that my love and our great new house would change him for the better. Make him happy. It hasn’t. He’s on the other side of the room drinking a half gallon of bourbon as I type this. This is normal for him. He drinks from the first moment he wakes up and doesn’t stop until he finally passes out or goes to sleep. He rarely wants to eat which makes him even more difficult to be around because he’s blotto by noon. Screaming by 7pm. And finally, keeping me awake at 3am. I’m a ghost and a shadow of my former self. I was such a happy vibrant person before this. I find myself torn into pieces because I love him. I love him dearly. When he is his true self, he is a wonderful charming man. Then he drinks and the demon takes over wanting to fight and argue, call me names and make me feel worthless. He rarely apologizes for any of his behaviour. My self esteem is rock bottom.
    His father died of Cancer in 2001 and then his Mom committed suicide in 2002. He feels justified in his drinking, and I am at my wits end because nothing is getting better no matter what I do or say. I cry all the time. I rarely go anywhere now. He’s always drunk and it’s embarassing to be seen with him, mainly because he falling down or can’t walk straight. I resent him. I haven’t done anything with my friends in over a year almost. My entire life is being with him and driving him where he wants to go and cooking him dinner and cleaning the house and taking care of our animals. We could have such a fabulous life together if it weren’t for his alcoholism. It’s basically the only thing we argue about and that holds us back. As I sit here typing I feel like the most helpless creature in the world. I feel alone. I feel dead inside.
    I started packing my things today to move out. Will I have the strength to actually do it this time? Will my life ever get any better?

    1. Dear Lost

      Your fiancee has another girlfriend which he loves beyond all else.. Mrs Bourbon

      The quicker you leave the quicker there will be room in your life for healing and hopefully a new beautifull relation. Get some help to sort out the issues in your own life so you stop attracting this energy.

      Love, light and peace

  51. I finally split up with my acholics boyfriend 3 months ago. But that still doesn’t stop him. Due to both my neighbours are his mates. After Abuse 24-7 for two months, his friends kicking my door causing property damage and abuse even walking down the streets. I was diagnoised with major insomnia from fever, hullications, fits due to banging on my wall all night and abuse not getting any sleep. After I went from 9.5 stone to 7 stone and ended up in hospital from abuse. Only then did the police want to get involved with harrasement which I report months before. I had to go hospital first before police would start making arrest for mental cruelity and having 6 other neighbours as witnesses. Now my ex has been to re hab after I had a break down from the abuse and now he wants me back. I can’t go through that again I nearly losy my life. I don’t the crap that comes with him, Mainly his mates dating one acholic is bad enough but when you date joe you end up with 20 acholics at your door every bloody night and I don’t need it. I spoke to him the first time yesterday after we haven’t spoken for 3 months. His the only one who didnt shout abuse but acholics too many people get involved and stick their nose in other peoples business and cause major trouble. I’ve been on sleeping pills, antidepressants for months and joe lives 4 doors down from me which doesn’t help.
    After I bumped into him and was just being polite, his brother and 2 mates where knocking on my door within an hour asking for him asual. All I said was hi and this shit starts again. Police aren’t interested and I dont fancy ending up in hospital again from just saying hi. I need to move and my housing association want move me even when my doctor has demanded it due to my health is seriouly effeted. Now my solicitor states A2 are breaking the law by not moving me. But no one gives a dame or takes me seriously. I have lost the support of my family. But my friends have been great. How can I stop this happening again and get the move I so badly need away from here to save my life?

    1. Hi, sounds like you are surrounded by alot of negative stuff. It is very hard or impossible to look after your own well being when so much negativity is literally on your doorstep. You are right, you need to get away from where you are so you can start to grow again as a person. Is there a shelter you can go to? Or is there a friend or family person out of town that you can stay with for a while? Is there someone you know going on vacation soon that you can offer to house sit for while they are away? Even afew days away from the situation will help to give your internal batteries a charge so you can continue to fight for your rights. The important thing is that where ever you go, you don’t bring the past with you. You don’t tell those that are causing the negativity where you are going or where you will be – it is none of their business and they will soon be no longer part of your life, as long as YOU choose them not to be. It’s also important that if you get away for a few days that you do not spend the whole time thinking or talking about the situation you are trying to escape from. Instead focus on where you want to go in life. Make a list of what you want to achieve in the future and in the next year, set your goals high and focus on these positive things you want to do – talk about them with friends rather than all the negative stuff. By writing the things you want out of life will help you to focus on your life, your better future. Stay strong and stay in touch.

  52. Thank you for responding and your support. Its not the loss of my house I fear the most its the risk of losing my partner. Now he is living in a rented room he says this is not his home anymore I am not his partner just a girlfriend who he visits. I told him this is his home and he is just staying thete short term while we sort out this mess. He said I have pushed him too far and he is too hurt he doesn’t kniw what he is goung to do. I just want him to get help. To go councelling together and get him alcohol free so we can live together again. Without alcohol he is the man of my dreams my best friend. I’m scared he will walk away and I love him so much. I don’t kniw if the paun is bearable if I never see him again.

    1. Oh course you don’t want to loose him – he’s the man of your dreams, your best friend and you fell in love with him because he is a great person. You miss the man you fell in love with and you want to live the rest of your days with that man. However, do you find that when he drinks, it is like a really horrible person has taken over his body. He looks the same but you hate his actions, the way he talks and everything about him? It is like an alien has taken over the body of the man you loved. Do you want this alien back in your home? NO, you want the man you love back in your home. You have taken a huge, very difficult and painful step by getting him to leave. You are way out of your comfort zone and so is he. He doesn’t like having to face up to the fact that drink has him living away from his home and you are no longer there to pick up the pieces, because when he faces the hard truth he sees drink is really causing a problem and he has to give it up. He also does not like the fact that you are being strong about this – you are no longer letting him live the lifestyle he chose. Look what he is doing – ‘he’ is too hurt, ‘you’ have pushed him too far, ‘he’ doesn’t know what ‘he’ is going to do… he is just thinking of himself because alcoholism is a very selfish illness. Remember HE pushed you too far and hurt YOU and that was a result of HIS drinking.

      I couldn’t get my husband to leave our home during either of his drinking climaxes so I packed up our kids and left. He didn’t think I would do it, so he got a shotgun and put it in his mouth and said if I leave he would pull the trigger. This was my best friend, the love of my life – but I knew if I did not stick to my guns (excuse the pun!) he would just continue drinking, even though he promised to stop and promised to get help. And as a result I would continue living on edge and not living my life the way I wanted and my children would suffer too. I walked past him and closed the door behind me pushing my baby’s pram. I fully expected to hear a shot gun blast but didn’t. I’m crying now even thinking back on it. It took huge courage on my part to do it but I felt I had no choice – I had heard empty promises before. The same as you probably have.

      I got the name of a rehab centre and called them to see what the criteria of admitance was. When my husband called me begging me to come home, I said I would if he went into rehab. He said he would. I called and made an appointment for us to go in to see the rehab counsellor together – we did and he got a date of admission. He had to go through detox first, so I agreed to go home and help him through detox. I left most of my stuff in my firends house just in case I needed to go back there ie. if he didn’t go through with it. When he went into rehab I sighed with relief. That was 8 years ago – he did have a serious slip last year but overall we live a very happy life together and he thanks me often for being strong during that time and making him see that if he did not go into rehab he would loose me and the kids.

      Your man wants to be with you, but he probably was not expecting you to stick with this for so long – get the name of a rehab centre and a list of AA meetings in your area and give them to him. Get an appointment to see a counsellor in the rehab centre together and see if he will go with you. It might take several efforts to get a result. He knows you better than most and he will know how to soften you up, make you feel bad ie. you’re not his partner but his girlfriend, it’s not his home anymore because he is not living there anymore – BULL! He is playing with words to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, making you feel that his sadness is yoru fault, so he can get back to his drinking place – his routine. I’ve heard it all before too!
      He doesn’t know what he is going to do? He knows what he has to do – give up drink and no alcoholic wants to do that. His drinking will cause you more pain than what you are going through at the moment. You are missing the man you love, but you have probably missed that man for a long time, while he was living with you and drinking. If he is serious he will go into a rehab program (he will give lot of excuses why he shouldn’t – job, money, he’s not the same as them, etc.) so break it down for him – get him to go to a counsellor in the rehab centre to discuss the options with them for recovery first. Continue to emphasis to him that you love him but you are not prepared to live with him as a drinker anymore and he needs to prove he can stay sober before YOU decide if he moves back in. He promised to get help so let him follow through with this, you can help by getting names of places and finding out the facts.

      You know your options – you can live with a nightmare drinker or you can stick to your plan – he can come back when he has been through a program and is serious about staying sober. Otherwise you have already lost the man you fell in love with and have already gone through the unbearable pain of seeing him change into something you don’t love, something detestable. He wants you to feel sorry for him but you are the one without the illness so you have to stay strong so you both get through this – he will thank you in the end. Give it time. Stay strong – getting him to leave a second time is much harder. Get to see a counsellor together. stay in touch, you are doing great.

  53. Wow….I thought to myself. How sad that all of these people’s lives are getting destroyed by alcohol. Then I felt sad for me and my alcoholic husband that I love dearly. Many times I think…why me? Why him? He doesn’t abuse me or hurt me but the pain comes from watching him kill himself on a daily basis. If I stay he will drink…if I leave he will drink even more. I would just like to know how to live with him and be happy. How do I let go of the fact that he is an alcoholic and live my own life in a happy way. I don’t know how to do this. Can anyone tell me how to live happy and stop worrying about my husband killing himself on a daily basis? It would break my heart to leave him but I don’t know how to be happy and stay with him.

    1. You need to do things for yourself. You also need to realise that you are not controlling the amount he drinks by staying or going. Worrying never got anything done, the fact of the matter is that change comes from within both for him and for you. Why would he want to change at the moment? Life hasn’t changed for him – it is just one blur blending into another – so he has no reason to change. He needs to see that you are changing for the better and if he doesn’t get his act together he’ll loose you. So start making changes in your own life for the better and in turn your life will improve and possibly it will change his life too in the long run. My book is a workbook that gives you exercises and tasks to do to instigate positive change. Stay in touch. x

  54. I have been with my partner for 12 years since the age of 16 and he was 19, in our younger years we used to go out a lot, drinking and enjoying ourrselves, little did i know we would be in the situation we are now. I think after a few years i started to realise there was a problem with alochol, it started with depression and anxiety/panic attacks and he now blames this for his drinking and he has never taken any of the medication as he doesn’t want to becme addicted to tablets but medicates with alcohol and thinks this is ok! He has been to AA, and in the past year or two has sought local help. He admts he is an alocholic, wants help and is ready to stop, fantastic you may say but the help just doesn’t seem to be there. He has contacted rehab centres himself after me getting a list together for him, the problem is that they all need you to pay upwards of £700p/w, who has that kind of money! They told us to go to a local support group to get referral for rehab through the NHS, the counsellor we saw literally laughed! All we have got so far is talking therapy, not helpng when they don’t know what they’re talking about themselves- no idea of the withdrawals that an alocholic goes through. Since the first few appointments he has attended, having to drink just to get there, he now is not interested in going as the help he so wants is so slow in coming. He has waited 2 months at least now just to get a detox and is no closer to getting that. Seems ridiculous when it has taken so long to get him to this point that now he can’t get the help to stop.

    I am typing now while at home alone, he is out drinking, will come back the man i hate and so desparately want the best friend that i feel in love with and get to see for about a half hour a day before he starts drnking again to ease the withdrawal symptoms of not being able to breathe, shaking, confused and sick. His health is terrible, he tells me so often that he feels he is dieing but this poison has such a hold on his body and mind.

    In the meantime I do everything I can to have a normal life, going to work, just been promoted but it all seems so meaningless without someone to share it with. I want children one day, but no way I am bringing a new life into this. I get so angry, cry almost every morning and night. My family do not know the extent of the problem, most of my friends are gone and I just don’t know where to turn. I just want to leave and go abroad sometimes, run away and forget the problems. Everytime he lets me down, i feel it best if i wasn’t here and he could just get on with his drinking and not worry about upsetting me as this upsets him so much. He has a heart of gold, i love him so much but not the person who takes over his body every day.

  55. At 23 years old, I’ve been married to a beautiful woman for 4 years (together for 5). Like most teenagers do, we would party, drink, and have a good time together. At 19, we got married and now have 2 wonderful children. I have an extremely stable career with no where to go but up. Now for the not-so-wonderful part…

    My wife has a history of depression and substance abuse. After we had our first child, my wife quickly fell into severe post-partum depression and was drinking a little less than a liter of tequila a day. We got her in-patient care for this, however it never really went away. The doctors insisted she stay on medication, which she would refuse to take after a week because it “didn’t work”. I tried my absolute hardest to ignore the drinking as many people have told me to do, however it never stopped, and whenever I bring it up she tells me that I’m “blaming” her for having post-partum depression. I’ve played just about every role there is to play…martyr, provoker, enabler…and have tried simply continuing with my life trying to be happy, going to school, and getting promoted, but to no avail. I’ve taken her to in-patient rehab twice (it may not seem like alot, but my wife is very, very stubborn). I’ve set up therapy sessions for her. I’ve tried to get her medication. I used to try to talk to her about it, but now it just pisses me off because our children are directly affected….I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been a man to show emotion, and at times would question if I even had any! Now, although there hasn’t been any physical threat thus far, I feel like I’m being ripped apart emotionally, which in turn burns me out physically. I feel pain and hurt every day and fight to combat the depression that I feel may be onsetting.

    What gets to me is the kids…how can an alcoholic mother take care of children, especially when it is so severe in this case? We’ve had CPS called on us already, I won’t really go into details on that. I had to enroll our first child in daycare because she couldn’t handle taking care of him. When he turned 2, we ended up getting pregnant again. After we had our 2nd child, it was straight back to the bottle for her. Not long after, I told her I was just tired of everything and wanted a divorce. She was not there for me, she was spending all of our money on booze, and she doesn’t care about anyone but herself. After I told her I wanted a divorce, she told me she would stop drinking and start being there for me. It’s now roughly five months later, she has been drinking practically every day from morning to night for the last couple months. I don’t see an end to it, even though she insists that this will not be forever.

    Now, not only do I feel hopeless, I feel deceived. I am so cold towards her now. I show no emotion when I talk to her. I smell liquor every time I’m around her, and it sickens me that she has the nerve to hug and kiss our children smelling like that. We argue every day. In all honesty, I’m not even sure I want to repair things. I’m tired of waiting for things to change, and things are starting to get more and more dangerous for the children. She tells me I’m not there for her…have I not tried and been there for her before?? How long am I supposed to wait then?? I need answers, help…anything!

    1. Hi David,
      I have a theory that it is more difficult for a woman to find a way of getting sober than a man. The reason being, women grow up sharing their thoughts, dreams and problems with their friends and anyone who will listen – We are natural talkers! Guys tend to be more closed with their emotions and don’t share their problems with others. So when a guy goes to AA or counselling and starts opening up and sharing his emotions, he finds a new sense of release, a new way of living and it is sometimes the weight off his chest he needs to get back to being sober. This method of sharing is not so new for women and so they don’t find the same relief – that’s my theory anyway!!

      You are still very early in your relationship together and young but you are going through one of the worst things a couple can go through. If you get through this together you will get through anything. The woman you love is still there, however a mask has taken over her which is difficult to remove.

      The coldness you feel is a natural response – it is your mind protecting you and keeping you strong for your children. She needs to want to help herself and she’ll only want this when she is sick and tired of being a drunk. There is no point in arguing with her as this just exhausts you and is not good for the kids to experience so try to avoid confronting her about her behavior, there is no point. Also stop trying to control the situation – bringing her to rehab, setting up therapy etc., change within her has to come from her. When she decides she wants help THEN start helping her to arrange rehab or get medication but she very much has to be the instigator of this and may faulter a few times but she will need support of the man she loves during this time.

      Deceit,, bitterness, hate, resentment are all emotions you will feel be your wife is not causing these, it is the behavior that drink is causing that is causing these and you have to understand that once she is truly sober these will disappear with time. You do not want to divorce your wife, you want to divorce the drink. As you are working and trying to keep things going it is very difficult for you with 2 young children. I think you may have bought my book so please read it and see the recommendations I offer in regards to spending time with your children and changing yourself. Your children’s safety is upmost and getting them into daycare is a good idea. When you bring them home in the evenings, don’t feel resentment towards your wife, instead enjoy your children and try to keep things calm. Don’t have any expectations of your wife for now as she is sick and not capable of sticking to promises, or being responsible – once you stop expecting anything from her, your mind will relax a lot more. She needs to realise she is missing out on life, you and her children by drinking but this will come with time. Alcoholism is a selfish illness.

      I would advise you to talk to someone close to you both family and friends about it – they will probably think you are over exaggerating or over reacting and that is okay, don’t get frustrated about that – the thing is that you need to share the problem and with time they will start to see that there is a problem and this will help.

      There is no quick solution to the relationship challenge alcohol has brought to you – but if you can stick with it (once your children are safe) you will be helping the mother of your children get sober in the long run. Possibly a temporary separation may be needed to ensure the children are okay but again this could be the trigger she would need to get help and get sober and hopefully you can love and live with each other again and enjoy your family and future.

  56. It’s such a relief finding this site and relating to some of these people. I’m with my live-in partner of 3 yrs who’s an alcoholic. I honestly have no problem with occasional drinking as I, myself, drink as well on occasion. I’m 24 and still enjoying life. My boyfriend on the other hand, was a daily beer drinker but has gone down to couple of days a week specially when out with friends. As we all know, they can be belligerent and sarcastic and it’s what I hate the most so I’d of course confront him so he can be aware of it. We would get into fights but maybe just once or twice did it get physical but not bad as one would leave the room when it happens. The next day, he would apologize and I wouldn’t let it pass until he comes up with a solution to what has just happened. Being a nurse and used to doing “patient care plans”, I believed in the concept of if there’s a problem, there should be interventions as we were taught in school. Some solutions we came up with were if he drinks, he needs to tell me first so I know what to expect when I get home (I work 6 days/wk eve shift). For some reason, his drinking has been like an allergy to me that if I don’t know that he did, I would just be so angry. I guess it’s because I came from a household where my grandpa, who raised me, is an alcoholic who drinks pretty much every day and would sometimes just sleep on the floor as no once can get him up. I have a very traditional, strict, asian grandpa where rules are rules and no matter what, adults are always right and you can’t question that. If you come from an asian family, you would know what I’m talking about. But anyway, we are scared of him when he’s not drunk and men, what more when he is. To add to that, I got badly beaten up by him for the first and only time but I was hospitalized for a couple of days when I was in my teens for going to a friend’s party and not getting permission and him coming home drunk and not knowing where I was. So I guess, that’s why alcohol just really triggers hatred in me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandpa, didn’t send him to jail and still talk to him to this day but I hate my memories of him being drunk. So when I know when my bf drinks, at least I know what to expect (probably my defense mechanism) and I guess when he tells me, I know I have control over things. He lapsed a couple of times and talked about more interventions like downloading an “app” on his phone to monitor how much and when he’s been drinking. It’s like his evidence when we start arguing again and I’d say his been drinking a lot again and he’ll get mad cause he would tell me he hasn’t drank in so many days. So with this app he can just show me to shut me up I guess. Other interventions: took down all his beer posters in his room (as he said so he wont think about it anymore), won’t drink for a week when he drinks without telling me, etc. I told him couple of times that if someday he’d ask me to marry him, that I’d have 2nd (& even 3rd) thoughts if his alcoholism continues. I also told him that he’ll just be surprised, I’d just leave one day if he doesn’t change. I feel like I’m young, not bad looking, has a profession and can always find somebody else but I know inside, I can’t since I love him too much. We have a beautiful life together, he’s still going to school but has a good job, and we’re each other’s best friend and we imagine getting old together so I don’t get why he can’t just say what he tells me. I’m not asking him to stop completely but to just tell me when he drinks but still fails me. Just last night, he told me he’s going to drink “some beer” before going to bed but when I got home, not only did I find an empty 6 pack but an empty bottle of wine as well. Our lease ends in October that’s why now, I would have an easy way out without worrying about breaking our lease. I’m really thinking of leaving him as I told my friends, we don’t have to live together to be in a relationship. So maybe then he’ll realize that even if I’m giving him chances, that I’m really serious about it when I tell him he’s done so much emotional damage in me already that I can’t take it any more. And for the 1st time he said (through text) “if u don’t want to accept that part of me, that had never hurt you except the promises you force me to make. Then you can start a new life and find somebody else to change”. My problem right now is, what do you think I should do before my lease ends? Be living together and just don’t talk or just talk but be in a “cold war” (talking but not showing emotions/intimacy) or get back to normal like nothing happened then leave. Also, with his alcoholism, do you think it’s possible for him to just lessen it? Like what I said, I’m young and still enjoying life and like to party and drink occasionally so wouldn’t that be unfair? I know he has a problem as I’ve seen clinical signs and want to end it while he’s young (I’ve seen patients who has liver failure in their 30’s) as I’ve read through here, it gets worse as they get older but that means me stopping as well? Anything else I can try? You think leaving him is worth the try?

  57. Hi all,

    I’m going through something very similar to many of you and I’m glad I found a place where I could post and potentially get some advice. I’m thinking of trying Al-Anon sometime in the coming days as well.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, living together for 2. I always knew that he liked to drink, and maybe was drinking more than the typical person, but being in his early 20s I thought it was just a typical college/post-college drinking thing. He has a grandfather who died from alcoholism, and a father he hates due to his 6+ unsuccessful bouts with rehab.

    In the past few months he’s been on the road a lot(musician’s lifestyle), and it got bad. Suddenly he was picking fights with me, criticizing little things, he would disappear from bed and apparently go downstairs to drink. He was getting wasted every night and I had no idea-he was great at making me think he’d only had a single drink.

    After being gone for the last month, I found out that not only had he been drunk every day for several months, but that he had cheated on me. I kicked him out after the cheating and the constant lying was revealed. The problem is I know thats not the “real” him and as much as I want to hate him for breaking my heart, I just can’t. Instead, I find myself still talking to him daily and offering my support to go to AA. I’m not sure if I should be helping him still or cutting him off due to his behavior. The problem is I really thought/think he is the one.

    I’ve told him that the only way I would get back together with him would be at least 9 month to a year of complete sobriety and returning to his old, happy, respectful self. I have not guaranteed that it will happen, and plan to live single in the meantime, but I find myself not being able to give up entirely. In the meantime, I can be a friend.

    Am I crazy here? Should the cheating and lying-alcohol or not be reason to cut him out completely? I know many people have mentioned physical abuse in their posts, but has anyone out there dealt with infidelity?

  58. I have been married for one year now. My wife started taking prescribed depression medication in our first year of marriage. Over the past 3 months she has started drinking alot during the weeks(without me), coming home at late hours. After a discussion with her, we agreed that she is going through a phase and she feels, that because she is still young(24years), she feels that things are changing to quickly for her. She has been out drinking on average 5nights of a week. This weekend we had a little fight where I told her that I am unhappy with the situation and we need to work on it together. Out of the blue she confessed that she has been drinking vodca at work everyday for the last month and blamed her change in behaviour on that. When asked whether she wants to work on that or change her habbits, she simply answered that she does not know if she wants to. No one knows of this yet, and I have no idea of how to approach this. She is pulling away from me and does not want to discuss it at all. Any suggestions on how I can deal with this? I have never had to deal with anything like this before.

  59. I found this while trying to find help for dealing with my live-in boyfriend. He drinks from morning til night. We’ve been together for 3 years. I’ve tried leaving, but we’re under so much stress financially that moving somewhere else proves near impossible. I have 2 small children that I’m trying to regain custody of. (Custody battle unrelated) but don’t want to bring my kids into this mess either. He’s already been hospitalized for alcohol withdrawal seizures. Taken to rehab, but arrested for trying to leave rehab. And stupid me, I believed the lies in the letters he wrote me. I believed after nearly killing himself he would stop. So I bailed him out of jail. I lost my job bcz of him. We are broke and have very little food. Government aid (food stamps) requires information that he doesn’t have. And we don’t have the money to go and get it. And EVERYTHING is my fault. Every day we fight and its a constant battle. If I do nothing we fight, if I stand up to him we fight. It makes no difference. I want to leave but have nowhere to go. Can’t seem to find another job. I don’t know what to do. I just feel TRAPPED.

    1. Amy how are you doing? I haven’t been on this blog for a while so apologies for not responding sooner. Amy you have to take back control of your life. You are allowing him and his bad habit to control your decisions. I am going to be a little bit hard on you. You are trying to regain custody of your children and you are so right – you don’t want to bring them into that mess. You need to build a home where they will thrive and maybe it is without this man in it. You are blaming him for losing your job, you are blaming him for not having the information needed to get food stamps. It’s time to take back control of the strong woman you are.You have a good heart – you bailed him out because you are capable of love and empathy – you need to start today to rebuild a life so your kids can benefit from your kind heart, not someone who is not currently able to appreciate you. Go to a shelter if you have to and take the first steps in the rebuild process. Your life is your journey, you need to take control of it again. The first steps are the hardest and it might seem worse than living with him at first, but slowly it will get better and you will be a stronger person for your kids as a result. Stay in touch. xx

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