Tag Archives: loving an alcoholic

Why Do I Love An Alcoholic?

When I met my husband it was love at first sight. Both of us went home and told our nearest and dearest that we had met our soul mate,  but neither of us said anything to each other about this for another six months. I found him a fascinating conversationalist, madly attractive and a gentleman. To top it all, he had the power to make me to laugh until I cried. I wanted his babies!

Neither of us wanted to make the ‘move’ incase we ruined the friendship we had developed. Eventually I asked him out for a drink. We met and after a few drinks, he asked me to marry him, I said yes and we kissed for the first time. I was madly in love then and am madly in love now, but we have had our fair share of ‘moments’. His alcoholism drove our emotions and minds to the limits for years. At one point I hated him so much I couldn’t even imagine how I had ever loved this man.

One of the first gifts he bought  me was the book ‘The Prophet’ by Kahil Gibran and one of the first passages I read  was the answer the prophet gave when asked about love;

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you,

And when he speaks to you believe him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free your from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that

knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

Sixteen years later I found this book in a box again after a house move. It had been  three years  after husband went into rehab and read this passage again. Love had indeed tested me to my limit, shaken my roots, shattered my dreams and wounded my heart  but by getting through it we had discovered a better us and a stronger bond of love than we ever imagined.

Maybe you will too.

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One day at a time

It’s been three weeks since his last drink. It is hard to believe that this day three weeks ago I felt so low. I had left him and expected the next time I would see him was in a coffin or in cuffs for drink driving. Now I have him back and he is better than ever. We saw his counsellor the other day and I really feel that there is no going back to that horrible place for him. His self esteem is still very low and he has a lot of people to ask forgiveness from but as they say one day at a time.

I have learnt to take one day at a time too – in the truest form. What worked for me is I decided that while I wanted to live with my alcoholic husband, I did not want to live my alcoholic husband while he was an active alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic – it is not curable, but it can be made dormant by not drinking.

We fell in love with these people because we something in them that they probably can’t see themselves – an inner beauty, compassion, a person we wanted to share our lives with. Unfortunately alcohol often masks and warps the things we fell in love with and we create coping mechanisms that we never wanted to have or be – anger, fear, coldness, resentment, bitterness and pure sadness. To develop these attributes you must be a strong person? Now it is time to look at yourself and seriously think about the person you want to be, because the only person who can change the alcoholic you love is themselves and the only person to change the way you are is you. If you want change to happen don’t continue doing the same thing, living the same existance. Sometimes it takes drastic action to make a drastic change – that is what I did. I got the courage to leave and not come back until I knew for sure he was committed to getting sober – I didn’t listen to this promise while he was drunk but when he was sober. Walking away from someone who says they are going to kill themselves is not easy but what was my alternative? To stay and exist and let things continue as were? Everyday of my life is precious, everyday of your life is precious. You must decide today how you want to live it. If your alcoholic loved one wants to be part of it they have to earn it! They have to get sober and the only person who can make that happen is them. The same way you are deciding that you want to be part of their alcoholic existance – that is your choice and yoru decision. BUT if you decide to continue living the way you are, you are existing to support someone elses life and a life that they are probably very unhappy about too. What is the point in that?? Take control of your life and they will follow. If they don’t that is their lose, at the moment you are the one that is loosing out.