Tag Archives: alcoholic spouse

Alcoholic Partner and Gossip

Sometimes we can become obsessed by other people’s problems and drama. By talking about it to others our own life problems seem trivial, ‘at least my life is not that bad.’ It also can give us comfort that other people’s lives are not perfect. We do this because we have a low opinion of ourselves. If you find yourself doing this stop and ask yourself and ask ‘what is going on with my life?’

When someone insults you, criticizes you or points out faults they believe you have, it can make you feel low and you can believe them. If someone tells you that you have two heads for long enough you could actually begin to believe it. If everyone you meet points out that you have two heads you should have a look in the mirror! What one person tells you may not be fact or correct, that is why it is important to reach out to others and explore the limiting beliefs one person has made you feel about yourself. By doing this we can shed these negative views we have of ourselves and start exploring the real us. When we have been treated with cruel words for years, it is easy for us to do the same to others. For a short period it can make us feel better about ourselves.

Other peoples limiting behavior does not mean we have to drop our standards. Learning to take responsibility does not only mean take responsibility for your actions but also your words. By changing this behavior you are forming another part of yourself that you can be proud of. This has a knock on effect because you start to feel good about yourself and people who feel genuinely good about themselves no longer feel the need to assault other people’s character, that includes our alcoholic partner.

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married to an alcoholic

Married To An Alcoholic

You want your alcoholic to take responsibility for their actions and stop their current behaviour that is wasting away their life, don’t you? However for you to be of assistance to them in this endeavour you need to apply the same formula to your own life.

You want them to stop behaving the way they do? Well to achieve this, you need to stop behaving the way you do and blaming them for your resulting unhappy life. If you don’t want to be a doormat then get up off the floor!

Your life path or your quality of life is not their fault or a result in their actions. It is a result of your reactions. This is the same in reverse; their drinking, quality of life or life choices are not a result of your actions. Their drinking is not your fault, their actions are not your fault, their quality of life is not your fault. They are an adult and they are responsible for their day to day life choices. The same as you are responsible for your day to day life choices.

Look at your partner’s life… think about how they are wasting precious days of their life. Now think about your own life, how many days recently have you spent looking after your own dreams and happiness? If the answer is none, then those days that you just existed or existed to deal with the results of their addiction were also wasted.

You don’t have to do anything drastic – just small steps. For instance this week why not  take time out to meet a friend for a few hours or to go to an al anon meeting without letting your mind race about what your partner might be doing while you are out, without worrying if  they will be drunk or sober when you get back. Without feeling you have to get back home to ‘control’ their behavior. Turn off your phone so they can’t harass you with calls and don’t call them to check on them. They are an adult, you are an adult! The first few times you do this, you probably won’t be able to focus on relaxing and being you, but with practice you will learn that they coped without you.

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Don’t be an Enabler

When dealing with an alcoholic spouse or partner, a person is virtually walking a tight-rope.

On one hand you want them to know that you will support them and on the other hand you do not want to fuel their habit.

If you choose to support them, you must be sure not to become an ‘enabler.’ In other words, you don’t want to help in any to support their habit. To truly help someone, you must be capable of displaying ‘tough love.’ When they are continually late for work because of their drinking, it is not up to you to make excuses and lie for them. When they get in trouble with the law for drunk driving, it is not up to you to rescue them. When they have spent all their money, it is not up to you to give them more. That is exactly what enabling is.

Alcoholics must be left to fend for themselves. They must reach the point where there is nowhere to turn. They must touch the ‘bottom’ of their existence. They must admit they have a problem. Then and only then, can the healing truly begin.

To shout and scream and dump out bottles serves no purpose other to make the drinker feel even more guilty.

The best thing you can do is seek help for yourself dealing with your feelings. There are groups of people(Al-Anon) who are all dealing with the same problem as yourself and many find this group therapy helpful, counseling for yourself and  books other good source for guidance.

Regardless of which method you choose, the important thing is to find help for yourself in order to best deal with an alcoholic spouse.