Tag Archives: alcoholic husband

Caring for an Alcoholic

It is human nature to shield, protect and nurture the ones we love. Living with an alcoholic loved one challenges this instinct. A lot of things go wrong in the lives of drinkers: taking care of their home, work, family, appointments, etc., all tend to suffer in various degrees. Human nature kicks in and our help often consists in solving the things that go wrong, like running errands for the person, buying them drink to get them through a bad period, cleaning up after them, making excuses to work and friends or cancelling appointments.

When it comes to loving and caring for an alcoholic we tend to help them through their day whatever way we can so we can survive and live with hope. We adopt their responsibilities as our own. In the short term, this is helpful for the drinker, and they appreciate our help because without it life as an alcoholic would be so much more difficult.  Think about how you help your alcoholic partner.  Now start asking yourself what your help and support is actually doing for the drinker. Does your help make it easier or more difficult for the person to keep drinking? Are you enabling his bad behaviour by not letting him see what he is doing?

Think about it, if your partner’s bottles, spillages and mess are all cleaned up and tidied away by the time he sobers up he has no evidence of how bad his drinking is. His mind will tell him, ‘look around everything is fine and lovely, your drinking is in control so it’s okay for you to continue drinking.’

If he does not have to answer to people about his behavior because you have picked up the pieces, made excuses on his behalf and swam oceans to cover up for him – he doesn’t have to face up to awkward questions.

In other words he does not have to face consequences for his behavior or actions because you have already cushioned the blow or stopped it in its tracks for him.

So if he does not have to face up to the fact that his drinking is causing problems in his life, well then why should he stop drinking? He has no motivation to do so. You will continue to make sure life continues as is, solving his problems and so he can continue his life as is, ie. drinking. Why not? It isn’t causing any harm! What you are doing is, is putting off the inevitable. Things are not going to improve but only going to get worse if you continue to enable their bad behavior. So it may be better for him to face things that go wrong, so that he realizes what he is doing.

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Alcoholic Partner and Gossip

Sometimes we can become obsessed by other people’s problems and drama. By talking about it to others our own life problems seem trivial, ‘at least my life is not that bad.’ It also can give us comfort that other people’s lives are not perfect. We do this because we have a low opinion of ourselves. If you find yourself doing this stop and ask yourself and ask ‘what is going on with my life?’

When someone insults you, criticizes you or points out faults they believe you have, it can make you feel low and you can believe them. If someone tells you that you have two heads for long enough you could actually begin to believe it. If everyone you meet points out that you have two heads you should have a look in the mirror! What one person tells you may not be fact or correct, that is why it is important to reach out to others and explore the limiting beliefs one person has made you feel about yourself. By doing this we can shed these negative views we have of ourselves and start exploring the real us. When we have been treated with cruel words for years, it is easy for us to do the same to others. For a short period it can make us feel better about ourselves.

Other peoples limiting behavior does not mean we have to drop our standards. Learning to take responsibility does not only mean take responsibility for your actions but also your words. By changing this behavior you are forming another part of yourself that you can be proud of. This has a knock on effect because you start to feel good about yourself and people who feel genuinely good about themselves no longer feel the need to assault other people’s character, that includes our alcoholic partner.

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married to an alcoholic

Married To An Alcoholic

You want your alcoholic to take responsibility for their actions and stop their current behaviour that is wasting away their life, don’t you? However for you to be of assistance to them in this endeavour you need to apply the same formula to your own life.

You want them to stop behaving the way they do? Well to achieve this, you need to stop behaving the way you do and blaming them for your resulting unhappy life. If you don’t want to be a doormat then get up off the floor!

Your life path or your quality of life is not their fault or a result in their actions. It is a result of your reactions. This is the same in reverse; their drinking, quality of life or life choices are not a result of your actions. Their drinking is not your fault, their actions are not your fault, their quality of life is not your fault. They are an adult and they are responsible for their day to day life choices. The same as you are responsible for your day to day life choices.

Look at your partner’s life… think about how they are wasting precious days of their life. Now think about your own life, how many days recently have you spent looking after your own dreams and happiness? If the answer is none, then those days that you just existed or existed to deal with the results of their addiction were also wasted.

You don’t have to do anything drastic – just small steps. For instance this week why not  take time out to meet a friend for a few hours or to go to an al anon meeting without letting your mind race about what your partner might be doing while you are out, without worrying if  they will be drunk or sober when you get back. Without feeling you have to get back home to ‘control’ their behavior. Turn off your phone so they can’t harass you with calls and don’t call them to check on them. They are an adult, you are an adult! The first few times you do this, you probably won’t be able to focus on relaxing and being you, but with practice you will learn that they coped without you.

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