One day at a time

It’s been three weeks since his last drink. It is hard to believe that this day three weeks ago I felt so low. I had left him and expected the next time I would see him was in a coffin or in cuffs for drink driving. Now I have him back and he is better than ever. We saw his counsellor the other day and I really feel that there is no going back to that horrible place for him. His self esteem is still very low and he has a lot of people to ask forgiveness from but as they say one day at a time.

I have learnt to take one day at a time too – in the truest form. What worked for me is I decided that while I wanted to live with my alcoholic husband, I did not want to live my alcoholic husband while he was an active alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic – it is not curable, but it can be made dormant by not drinking.

We fell in love with these people because we something in them that they probably can’t see themselves – an inner beauty, compassion, a person we wanted to share our lives with. Unfortunately alcohol often masks and warps the things we fell in love with and we create coping mechanisms that we never wanted to have or be – anger, fear, coldness, resentment, bitterness and pure sadness. To develop these attributes you must be a strong person? Now it is time to look at yourself and seriously think about the person you want to be, because the only person who can change the alcoholic you love is themselves and the only person to change the way you are is you. If you want change to happen don’t continue doing the same thing, living the same existance. Sometimes it takes drastic action to make a drastic change – that is what I did. I got the courage to leave and not come back until I knew for sure he was committed to getting sober – I didn’t listen to this promise while he was drunk but when he was sober. Walking away from someone who says they are going to kill themselves is not easy but what was my alternative? To stay and exist and let things continue as were? Everyday of my life is precious, everyday of your life is precious. You must decide today how you want to live it. If your alcoholic loved one wants to be part of it they have to earn it! They have to get sober and the only person who can make that happen is them. The same way you are deciding that you want to be part of their alcoholic existance – that is your choice and yoru decision. BUT if you decide to continue living the way you are, you are existing to support someone elses life and a life that they are probably very unhappy about too. What is the point in that?? Take control of your life and they will follow. If they don’t that is their lose, at the moment you are the one that is loosing out.

4 thoughts on “One day at a time”

  1. My son is an alcoholic. He has told me this several times over the last 5 yrs or so. He is only 25. Problem worse than the drinking?? He is married to a wonderful girl and has 2 beautiful children. I have tried to help him for the last yr. I cant talk to him. He is argumentive even when not drinking. Lies all the time about how many and drinks before going to work. He has a good job which is very hard to come by. He just bought a beautiful home, 2 new vehicles and such a beautiful family. I really hate to see him lose everything, but I finally realized today that I can not save him. He has to save himself. He needs new friends. NON ALCOHOLIC friends. Not to mention what this is doing to his liver. Those children dont need to be around this. When he isnt drinking for a couple of weeks he is wonderful. When he drinks he is completely different person. I have read several books and some of these sites on the net. I think it clicked today that I can only love him and continue to pray. My heart is broken. I blame myself for his “issues”. I feel like I was the worst mother in the world. In my heart I think I know that is true. I know now..I was not a bad mother. I did the best I knew how to do. He is an adult and responsible for his actions. So why do I feel like a schmuck???

    1. He is an adult as you say and really until he decides he wants things different he will not stop. It sounds like he is coping fine at the moment – good job, house, cars, ideal family, so he probably won’t decide to stop for a long time as in his eyes he is managing his life fine within his alcoholic behaviour. Maybe start focusing on his young wife – make sure she knows you are there for her – you are the two women in his life that love him the most, so have your own mini support group for each other! Living with an alcoholic is very isolating and stressful as you know and she may be suffering a lot. Maybe the to fo you could attend an Al Anon meeting together? It is also important that you keep an open door policy with her so she can come to you with the grand children if she needs time out in the future. Focus your support on those who are living with your sons addiction rather than on your son – it is when the behaviour of those living with the alcoholic changes that the alcoholic wants to change.

  2. I just can’t take it any longer. He won’t stop – what can I do? I can’t leave as it’s my house and I have no where to go anywa – I have no family here except my two grown sons and they are struggling themselves. I am the one working to support him – he had a job for 1 year during our six year marriage – and that was only because he got arrested and the county made him get a job but he got fired for drinking on the job a year later – can’t even get unemployment becaue he got fired and now we’re living on just my salary. I buy his alcohol for him everyday and watch him get drunk everyday and then yell and cuss at me every night and make up the most disgusting stuff about me and then accuse me of the most ridiculous things (like having sex with my own two sons since I love them so freaking much) , which makes me say things I don’t mean and I get so mad at him – so angry for what he says. He has promised me from the day we got together he’d stop drinking and has on occasion, for a couple of months – once for almost a year – but he always always always starts up again and it just gets worse everytime. He is my 2nd husband, we’ve been married for 6 years. He despises my two grown sons because they know what he is. He is ALWAYS telling me he’s going to kill them or ruin their life or put a hit out on them because they don’t respect him or they’ve done some trivial thing to him – like telling him to back off. They don’t come around much anymore. If I refuse to buy his alcohol, he either badgers me for hours until I give in or he says he’ll need to go to the emergency room and I’ll have to pay for it. I get scared because he has bad DT’s and if he dies I’d be responsible. He won’t go to any kind of treatment and he won’t vacate my house. I don’t love him – I doubt I ever did – I can barely stand to be in the same room as him. I just want to be free of him. I owe him nothing – he came into the marriage with nothing, absolutely nothing – no job, no money, no home – but he says if we get divorced he’ll take everything I have, which I know isn’t true – I had all my things (house, car, etc) before I ever married him. I wish so much I hadn’t gotten married. How do I get rid of him?

    1. Change the locks when he’s out. You shouldn’t have to put up with this. I got a divorce through the courts myself, didn’t even use a solicitor. He won’t be able to take anything of yours, you need support. Taking drastic action is the only way. You need to cut ties with this man

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