A Guide to Living With An Alcoholic

Practical guide and tips for partners and spouses of alcoholics

Some good news for a change!!

I have finally finished the book that I have been developing for 3 years! It is a practical guide to living your life to the full while still living with an alcoholic loved one. By following the action plan, written exercises and advice which I followed, you too will find a better more fulfilling life, and as a result your loved one may find sobriety.  It is thanks to the feedback I have got from all you who have visited this blog over the years that I have stuck at this project. So thank you and I hope you find it useful. A print version will soon be available.

(I have kept the price low, but if you can’t afford it, please let me know and I will send you a copy free of charge. )

Remember, you’re not alone – there’s lots of us in this ‘secret club’!

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35 thoughts on “A Guide to Living With An Alcoholic”

  1. I saw your book on smashwords and thought I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Bonnie and my husband is bipolar. I wrote a book about our situation (LOVE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS) that seems to be similar to yours while also being very different. I haven’t met a lot of other “self-help” writers, so if you want to talk, look me up.

      1. I wonder sometimes if my husband is a bipolar alcoholic. I know he is an alcoholic. His personality “can change like the wind”. How do I find your book?

  2. Hi you don’t know me but I know you through your posts. Your site has really helped me today. Today I was holding a bottle of pills, trying to decide if I should finally hurt him like he has hurt me by hurting myself like he has now for a year but instead of waking up with a hang over like him, I wouldn’t at all.

    But for some reason, I guess love and desperation, made me google ‘how can i live with an alcoholic’ and your blog showed up. I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 27. I don’t want to leave – I love him and want to help him. Your tips are going into effect today.

    I want to buy your book but I have no money. He has literally drained me of money and my job now. I need something like you or your book in my life to help me. I cant do this alone any more. I have no family and no friends.

    What do I do?

    1. Hurting yourself to show the alcoholic how much they are hurting you is a common urge. Wanting to go one step further and stepping out of life for good is also a common feeling and a very dark place to be in, especially when you have no one close to talk to. You googled and found me and I am so glad you did. I have e-mailed you my book and as payment I want you to google ‘Al Anon’ and the name of your town. I want you to find a meeting place and meeting time near you and go to one this week. Don’t put it off. Go. The meetings are non judgemental, anonymous and you don’t have to speak or say anything, just go. You will be surprised at how many people have been or are in similar positions to yourself and have found a way out of it. Talking is great therapy – it reassures you that you are not alone and not crazy!

      I also want you to give me some feedback on my book so and let me know if it helps you. You are 21 – the best of your life is ahead of you, you just don’t know it yet. By reading my book you will hopefully find your path to happiness. Stay in touch with us here – we are all in the same club! Hang in there girl! x

      1. Wow I was going to do the same thing last night my ah came home drunk and calls me horrible names and I am so tired after 25 years being married to a mean drunk but I have two grown sons and I knew I couldn’t end my life they need me
        When does this feeling go away
        I want your book but he has control over all his money

        1. Hi Maureen,

          I am so sorry that you have been living this way for 25 years. Please do read through the blog posts as a lot of the information that is in my book is on this site too. I will be doing a 21 day life rehab session for those of us living with alcoholics during August which you will find helpful. It’s completely free and it just requires you to check into the blog everyday to read a post. You have a lot to give to the world and your sons, please do stay in touch. xx Lilly

    2. I am much older than you Jackie….Just learned about this site late yesterday and find it very interesting! I HOPE you are better than the 5/31/11 post? PLEASE don’t make someone else’s issues/problems become yours! I should take my own advice, I’m still in love w/my husband but I am TRYING to learn how to LIVE w/the situation (financial disaster, moods, moods, & more moods!) HE ‘needs no help’ ‘can do it himself’ so i’m told…SO i’ve learned various things through Al-Anon thank goodness! It is very difficult and i’m trying so hard to ‘learn’ but it’s a process…so ‘keep it simple’ and ‘let go and let God’ (How difficult but powerful those words are for small words!) Challenging to say the least, to walk away from ‘antagonizing-situations, etc.’ but I’m doing it. I have plenty of good and bad days as I’ve learned to get used to the lack of relationship my husband and I once had! shame; cuz he’s a really great man! Alcoholism is a terrible disease and I HATE IT! WISH there was a cure but there isn’t….The person w/the sickness HAS to have willingness to DO FOR themselves…Please, don’t waste your life at 21 yrs old, you really do have so much to live and experience! Just had to make a comment. Best to you and hope all works out either way for us both! Linda :)

  3. Hello. I would love to have a hard copy of this book. I don’t know how to get it. Could you let me know? I too as many people have commented is living with a High Functioning Alcholic. I am to the point where I believed I was not worth it, crazy, to blame for all his problems, etc, etc. I saw your post last night and went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I didn’t say anything just listened. It did help a bit.
    Thanks for your kind words. they help too.

    1. HI There,

      Glad you went to a meeting. It’s worth trying a few different ones within your reach as some groups are better than others. Once you find one that you are comfortable in, you will find it will be letting a pressure valve off inside your head each week! I have just self published the book through Lulu.com. Go to http://www.lulu.com and do a search for ‘How to Live With an Alcoholic’

      I haven’t seen a copy of it myself yet! If you get a copy please do give me feed back as I hope it is helpful.

      Take care of yourself and remember you are not to blame for his behaviour, only your own!

  4. I am married to an alcoholic, I would love to read your book, but he spends all of the money on his luxury, which he thinks he is entitled to because he works hard all day…but I would love to go somewhere anywhere with him, that he doesn’t get smashed…I have to drive everywhere and I can’t enjoy myself, then he will pick a fight with me and start talking to me, like I am a dog in front of perfect strangers, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. We have a 5 yr old daughter and I don’t know what to do. I can’t take our daughter on vacation or anything, I am fed up, but I love him and don’t want to ruin our family….

  5. Linda,
    I came to this site looking for resources for my own readers–I have a book on living with a person with bipolar disorder and alcohol is often used to self-medicate for that disorder, so the overlap between bipolar and alcoholism is significant. When I saw your post mentioning mood swings it hit me that you are probably married to someone with bipolar who is self-medicating with alcohol. It might be worth the trouble for you to look into that diagnosis. While it is almost impossible to treat the alcoholism successfully in these cases, often treating the bipolar–with mood stabilizers–decreases the need for alcohol and makes it easier to treat the alcoholism. Look into it. It may still be possible to get your husband back.


  6. Hi Bonnie,

    Thanks for the update. I truly appreciate however I have started to read from the website i found the ‘living w/alcoholic’ & I would be very interested in both books….due to my situation sorry to say, I have to watch every penny i make/spend thanks to my husband and the financial situation i live with. I’m extremely thankful you made note of the ‘bi-polar’ issue. I have suspected that he has that for quite some time but don’t know how to find ‘help’….Had yet another confrontation w/him last evening and I am still the ‘one who starts’ so i’m told….No matter what i say or do (walk away, say ‘sorry you feel that way’, etc.) he follows and I continue to get ‘mentally attacked’….If by any chance you can send me information that would not be a financial burden to yourself that might be helpful in reading about/both alcoholism-bi-polar issues…I would be really grateful? My apologies in asking for a ‘hand out’ but I have all I can to be patient w/the Al-Anon principles….in which I am desperately trying so hard to use as my tools…..’progress not perfection’ right? I try to find whatever ‘free’ info on the internet to learn how to ‘cope’. Any tips/suggestions for how to deal with a person that ‘their truth/honesty’ is the ONLY truth and honesty is greatly appreciated!….Thank you so much for your understanding….

  7. Actually, Linda, my book is on Smashwords.com and is listed as “reader sets the price” so all you have to do is select “FREE” and the book, LOVE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS: with a bipolar spouse, is yours. I feel the same as Been There about wanting to share with people who may not be able to afford a book at this time, but I’m too lazy to send out coupons so that’s my solution. Here’s a direct link to the book. My contact information is in the book in case you have questions/comments.

  8. thank you SO much! I am not as technologically advance as most people :( the posts to this site I suppose are my first time ‘blogging’? so that should say how not advanced i am when it comes to IE, etc. :) oh well, at any rate I truly appreciate the comments/’free’ link, and understanding of course w/my comments.

  9. Thank you so much for this. I’ve been with my partner (we are getting married in less than 3 months) for over a year and a half and I honestly have been reading your blog and cannot believe how relieved I felt. Then the relieved feeling went to terror as I couldn’t believe I hadn’t been strong enough to do the things you have been talking about, taking control of my life and not letting myself get sucked in, myself. Then instances you have blogged are like reading my weekends verbatim. This last weekend was the 3rd weekend in a row he went on an over 25 hour bender, it’s usually Fridays when this starts and he goes to have “one” beer with work people – then he simply dissapears and suddenly I’m the one who caused him to do it. He claimed I called and yelled at him for not coming home for dinner but I didn’t, in fact it was the first time in ages I just went out to meet friends after sitting and waiting for him for over 2 hours. His phone was off as well which I think was a blessing as I wasn’t able to yell at him at all. It’s been a disaster from him threatening suicide to him going on the wage and doing just as your husband did, tried to “control” the drinking with non-alcho drinks and then shandys, etc till it went to hell again.

    This time I let him come back to the apartment, berate me on the Sunday, pack more things into his bag to leave, even though I knew he wanted me to ask him to stay and let him leave. He told me I had 4 days to get out, he was so drunk I just ignored it and told him to be safe wherever he was staying. That is the first time I have ever let him leave and not run after him, I even ran after him this Saturday night after calling the police to get him to stop banging on our door as I wouldn’t let him in because he was so drunk. I then went and found him in a bar – at that point he had been drinking or drunk for 28 hours and carried on until the next morning, passed out at a friends then started drinking on the Sunday at 2:00 until he showed up at our flat at 9:00pm. Personally I don’t get how he isn’t dead from the alcohol, it’s mind boggling, 3 days of drinking and he still went to work on the Monday!!!

    No one listens to me when I try and talk about it, they all say I have 50% to do with it because I “nag” him but they also say he has a responsibility to the relationship. That used to make me feel better but until I read your blog and have no downloaded the book I feel like a weight is totally off my shoulders because there are people out there who are going through the EXACT same thing as me. So my beset bet is to change me and my patterns.

    Thank you so much for this. I still have yet to get to an Al Anon meeting but it’s only been 3 days since I decided I had enough. When I found your blog I read it all day Monday and then said enough and started sorting things out in my house, the garden, I painted the walls, cleaned a load and just started to get it togehter to the way I want to live. It also helped me distract myself from him not being here and missing him, I was just mad and angry and I think more with myself. I know I will go to Al Anon it’s just getting my strength back a bit and your book is helping so much.

    Thank you. You have no idea how much I cried today and felt total hope.

  10. I’m having trouble w/locating ‘where’ to download the books? Sorry. I clicked on the link provided and tried to find ‘free’ like mentioned but don’t know where or how to get books? Any help is greatly appreciated. Do I have to be a ‘member’ and sign in somewhere? Hopefully that is free as well? sorry for inconveniencing…

    1. Linda,
      If you are looking for the bipolar spouse book it is at the URL above. When you click on the link to buy the book, it will ask you what price you want to pay. Just fill in the blank with $0 and continue through checkout. If you have any trouble, email me at getolife@yahoo.com and I’ll walk you through it or email you a copy.

  11. Hi. I have been living with an alcoholic for 3 years now. I just sat here and read everything you have posted, and wow. Mine is drinking “normally” now. We went through detox, he refuses counselling – says AA seems hokey to him and tried a different counselling group which did nothing but make him angry and start drinking more. Epic Fail. I’ve suggested that he maybe try a different approach, private counsellor, or something… And I just get told that he’ll quit when and if he’s ready. He associates drinking with being “socially normal”. I should probably mention, he’s a musician and plays in bars and pubs almost every weekend. Tonight he had a beer with dinner, offered me one, which I refused – I don’t normally, then made him drive himself to band practice – which I don’t normally do either. My thought process tonight was “I am not protecting him anymore”. I’m tired of the empty beer bottles stacking up, but of course he doesn’t think beer is alcohol – his drink of choice is vodka. Yup, cuz he thinks you can’t smell it, and it’s easy to hide. So, he left tonight, I went and threw out his empty vodka bottles hidden in the basement (which he maintains are “old” and from “before”) and have decided that I’m not going to say anything. I’m not saying or doing anything for him anymore. I’m not going to be the one to pick up after him. I’m not going to get up in the middle of the night to drive him home from wherever he is that he’s had too much to drink, I’m just not. I can’t. And reading everything you have posted has reinforced the idea that cleaning up after him is not helping. No, we are nowhere near the point of me feeling like he has to leave again (we have hit that spot before), but I’m not going to rule it out. If it gets bad, I will have him removed from my home (it was mine & my children’s home before he came into our lives – I will never remove my children from their home because of him). I want so bad for him to get help, but I realize thanks to these posts that me nagging him to do something about it is not the way to go. So, here I go – looking for a way to get myself some help. Maybe tomorrow night, I’ll go find an Al-anon meeting. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go visit my gramma who was married to an alcoholic for 40 years before she left. And maybe I’ll tell her how I feel and ask her for her prayers and love.Yes, I’m bitter and angry. Yes, I have looked back and realized how much I blame myself for everything. And now it’s time for me to put me back together. After he sobered up last time I told him he shattered my heart. Well, I was wrong – I shattered my heart by letting his addiction become MY LIFE! It’s not my life and I know I can’t control his life. And thank you for showing me I’m not crazy for loving him and standing by him. Thank you for your tips to stand by him, but not lose my life in the process. It’s time to become the positive person I used to be and to do the things I need to for me and for my daughters.
    And thank you for reading this…
    God bless.
    P.S. I would love to read your book – but sadly, I can’t afford it. Every penny goes to bills.

  12. Hello, I have been living with an alcoholic for I’d say almost 2 years now, it’s been rough and truthfully I don’t know what to do I have thought of picking up and moving but I have 4 kids and well I really do love him, I just feel like everything is my fault and I get blamed for everything and I’m useless and can’t do anything right. I know it’s going to be a long road but I would love to read your book so I can learn to live my life to the fullest and learn to feel better about myself.

    I would love to get a copy of your book, I haven’t seen it here and well I can;t really afford it right now between bills and taking care of 4 kids. If you could email me that would be great.

  13. My boyfriend is an alcoholic I’m only 19 nd he only 23 I cry myself to sleep everynight because he becomes very rude when he gets to much to drink. I love him and I told him I was going to go to classes to help me get through it to help me learn and understand and he told me if I did he would no longer come around. Sometimes he becomes violent nd leaves bruises all over me and convinces me its my fault. I don’t know what to do and I came across this and I was wondering how much your book is because I have no friends or family anymore and I feel like it could help.

    Thank you!!!

  14. Dear Ashley, no matter what, no one has any right to treat you like that. God made us all and put us here to take care of one another, especially in the man/woman relationship, which is the core of everything. You are just a babe in the woods in the long scheme of things, but try this please: Trust yourself and your instincts, have faith in your own thinking, (you are on the right track with beginning to question your situation), seek help from concerned adults and proven organizations like Alanon, keep a dialogue going with God or however you visualize your higher power, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUSELF BUT LET GO OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS BEHAVIOR, do not believe or allow yourself to buy in to his lame blame game, his sel-absorbed thinking, and his bad behavior. He is confused and ignorant, has had bad training, and/or needs serious help himself if he ever wants to grow up and be a man (an adult who behaves with caring and intregrity). Young Lady, take care of yourself! GET HELP! Do not waste your time trying to fix his problem.
    I am sorry to hear you are pretty much on you own trying to deal with this, but remember we are all on our own when it comes to making life decisions. You do not want to be going through this ten years from now with children to care for. The best thing you can do for yourself and the “boy” is to get on with your life and let him sort out his hurtful behavior. You owe it to yourself. Old Guy

  15. Hi All,

    I’ve hit a large bump on the road, so to speak. Our teenager got a scholarship of a lifetime for a week on the other side of the world and a parent needed to travel with her. Hubby had been drinking shandys all summer because ‘he now knew how to control it’..it was different this time.. Throughout the summer I pointed out that it would hit him like a tonne of bricks as it had done before and I didn’t think I would have the strength to get him through. I told him he was to stop drinking them as I was worried, why risk the life we have rebuilt for a taste, etc. He’d stop and start again. Anyway the trip arrived and off we set leaving hubby minding our 8 year old who has just started a new school. Hubby was normal, strong and good humored before I left as he had been all summer. We were in contact every day while away – son at home was getting on great in new school and had been invited to a birthday party which was terrific as he finds it hard to socialise with other kids. Then four days into trip communication stopped. I wasn’t worried the first day as I thought he was busy with our son, second day I thought maybe phone bill hadn’t been paid but rang a family member to check was everything okay – yes they had been talking to him previous evening and everything seemed fine. Phew. Day 3, no communication – I began to freak quietly. We were in the airport on the way home when he finally answered the phone… drunk and began talking of not being able to go on etc. I asked where our son was and could I speak to him. He called his name and said he must be out in the garden playing. I began to really freak. Can you imagine in an airport with a 16 hour flight ahead and not knowing where your kid was? I immediately rang my family member who knew hubby had been drinking and was on his way – it would take him 2 hours. I played phone ping pong for 2 hours and eventually just before I had to turn out my phone on the plane my family member had arrived at the house and confirmed our son was fine and he would take him back to his house. I didn’t want my daughter to know I was upset or that anything was wrong so I stayed strong until we were settled on the plane. Thank god for flight eye masks, as half way through the flight while my daughter slept I could weep quietly without anyone knowing. After 25 hours of traveling I reached home to a semi sober husband. He thanked me for forgiving him – I hadn’t opened my mouth!! I stayed calm and told him to bed as I couldn’t speak yet. For once he did without protest.
    That was about 4 days ago. He drank the remainder of his vodka that day and has been sober since. It didn’t stop him getting grumpy with me for ignoring his approaches in bed that night – even though I was the one jetlagged and upset and hadn’t slept most of the day like him!

    From my son’s homework journal I could see he hadn’t been in school for the Thursday and Friday. This was news to my husband as he believed he had only gone on a one day binge. The thing that really got to me too was that he had missed the birthday party which he had been so excited about. I found a total of 8 large empty bottles of vodka in the trunk of hubby’s car – good going for three days. He has been very meek and quiet and trying to make things up to me by offering coffee and painting a wall in the hall that has been needing to be painted for two years. His immune system is at a low and so he has a mouth and throat and chest infection but that’s starting to improve. I am following my own advice and taking one day at a time. My mind did start to race at one point about what I should do about the future and questioning myself about what I really wanted in life and was I a fool for sticking with him so long. But I stopped myself and reminded myself that I do not have to decide on these things all at once nor do I have to decide today. I can take my time to figure out what I want to do with my life and how I want to live, realizing this is a great comfort and a great way to calm your head from racing.

    I have treated him in a civil manner and without any false acts of emotion. The first day he went to hug me when I came home, I backed away and said my barrier was up and it would take a little time to come back down – I realize now that I was basically apologizing for being angry with him for being drunk! When he started drinking shandys this year I told him that he would have to live with the consequences as a result of his actions if/when it got out of control…but he knew best.

    Anyway last night I was putting our son to bed and I asked him jokingly had he missed me. He said yes because he was bored all the time as Daddy just wanted to sleep all the the time I was away. I asked was he playing his new video games while dad slept and he said ‘no… I just sat on the stairs with Blacky (the dog) and cried.’ our boy is not a cryer – today I allowed myself an hour of sobbing indulgence about this as it gutted me. (I find it good to put a time limit on permitting yourself to feel sorry for yourself or to have a good sobbing outburst otherwise you could cry a new ocean if you are not careful).

    Our little boy said he was scared the most that Dad would fall asleep while in the car. I asked was he in the car with dad when he was ‘sleepy’, he said no, he had been left home alone and he was scared dad wouldn’t come back and he was scared of all the noises and the wind howling but what scared him most was when the pot on the stove burnt and the smoke alarm went off and the dog was crying and getting upset with the noise. Childline Ads seem like comedy shows in comparison to what my son endured for 3 days. I corrected myself for feeling guilty for leaving him with his dad and being traumatized while I was off enjoying myself with his sister. It was not our faults that another perfectly capable partner decides to drink and affect the people we love.

    I have not shared my son’s account of the few days with my husband yet – I’m too annoyed and upset and I am trying to figure out what I want first. I also am aware the reason why I am allowing myself to be upset about this while recovers nicely oblivious to the trauma he caused, that I am doing it to protect him a bit from the hurt and shame he will feel when he finds out and so I am protecting him from it even though I am suffering inside about it! Guilty as charged.

    He left our child alone in the house and in danger, while he went to get more vodka. I know it is a disease and I know he is now sober but I am not sure if I can forgive him this time. Seven years ago he crashed the car with our same son in it while I was away for a night (I don’t go away too often although it might sound it!). Thankfully our son wasn’t hurt. I told him I wanted out, we were finished and walked away from him while he put a shotgun in his mouth and threatened suicide if I left. I walked away not caring if he pulled the trigger or not. He didn’t pull the trigger and I stayed away until he went into Rehab for the first time. He stayed completely sober for 4 years and had a couple of slips in the last three – the last was last year and you can read back on my blogs for that account.

    This time it’s different. He pulled himself together quicker than I thought he would and I have not stepped in with all the strength and gusto that I normally would to make things back to normal as quickly as possible. And I’m not feeling burnt out, maybe because I got away and didn’t have to endure a long drunken spell. This time is different. I don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t feel in love with him like I used to. I feel emotionless towards him. Although I know I will feel love towards him again I think it will be more of a ‘glad that you got through that friend’ love rather than the respect and trust that a lover should feel. I don’t believe he respects me and what I want in life as much as he says he has said in the past that he does.

    I am giving myself time to think and realize its time to move on to the next stage of my life – I’m not sure what that stage is yet and whether it includes him but things are are definitely feeling different in my head. The good thing is I don’t have to figure this out now or today. In Scarlett O Hara’s words…Tomorrow is another day! Take care ya’ll!

  16. Hello I’m glad I found your site. I’ve been looking for some advise or encouragement for awhile that does not include “just leave them”. I am in a relationship with a man for five years that is an addict. When we first started our relationship it was hard drugs but he stopped that I order to continue a relationship with me. Since the. It has just moved from one habit to the next( weed now alcohol). He has been drinking for 3 years daily and now it starts at 9am until he passes out. We have four kids and I’m a stay at home mom he has control of all the money and slowely over the years we our finding ourselves further and further in debt. I’m not sure how to keep this family together but I know I don’t want to live like this. I do not have friends or family that I can talk with or even go to. I told him today that if he is going to continue to drink don’t come home I no longer want me or the kids around him when he is drunk. Please how can I get a copy of your book I need some advise.

  17. I was up at 4am Feb. 18th , thinking Wow am I the only one in this world living with an acoholic? My mind thinking so much , I googled living with an acoholic. I am at my wits end to this 6yr relationship. She has been in rehap , lost her daughter to her parents. She has two dui’s , n lies n hides ther bottles of vodka. I am very sick n tired of this , I even want to end this.

  18. hi I would really like a copy of your book im in despite need of help with this I married a alcoholic in sept of 2012 and I don’t know how to do this I love him with everthing I have left in my heart but this is a lot please help me.i am the only one who cares enough to work so I don’t have a lot of money please

  19. hi,

    your book looks very good. i have a boyfriend who became my best friend at one point in the beginning of our journey together…i didnt know he was so addicted to alcohol as he hid it very well. we got pregnant had our first baby and things started to get worse. his drinking is out if control the verbal words r the hardest and i feel lost, alone, sad and hopeless that he cant stop for the sake of our relationship and our baby. i dont know what else to do to help. he is very lost and comes from a domestic violence family. he tries to stop but gets sick and has to have alcohol to help him feel better. i cant afford ur book and hope to find it in our local library so i can try to understand and have hope again.

    do u have ur book available in libraries yet?

    1. Hi,

      I know exactly how you feel as I was there 15 years ago – baby in arms and a man I loved turning into a stanger when he drank. No matter how strong we are verbal abuse shatters confidence. You’ve said a lot in your short mail. It sounds like he is using his past ‘domestic violent family as a reason to drink – he probably says you don’t understand what he has been through. And you don’t but you do understand what you are going through now and the bad athmosphere your child will grow up in if he doesn’t stop. Alcoholics live in the past. In good rehad they are thought to get a grip and live in the present and the trouble they are causing their current family.

      Of course he gets sick when he stops – it’s his body riding itseslf of the toxins – its called the DTs. I find lucozade (I don’t know if you have that where you live) rehydration drinks and chicken soup for a few days help. If he really wants to give up go to your GP together as you are being affected by the drink as much as he is. He has to understand that he is going to be ill for a about 5 days as his body gets back into balance. At the moment he is saying he needs a drink to feel better. Sometimes a small amount of alcohol in the very early stages of detox is recommended to stop the system going into shock but best to ask a doctor who has experience with DTs about what they would recommend in your case. Try not to be too soft about his past – the past is the past, he has to realise that his actions in the present are going to be his child’s past – does he want his child to turn to substance abuse to blank out the chaos he is causing now? Sometimes being a little bit harder on them in a practical non agressive way makes them see reality. Only talk to him when he is sober though – no point when he is drinking. Also find someone to talk to – you need to look after yourself so you can stay strong for you baby.

      The book is in some libraries I believe as a download I think.

      I’m going to try to blog more so keep coming back or sign up for updates. Stay in touch. xx

  20. I hope this blog is still going. My husband got out of rehab on Aug. 1st and as determined as he acted like he was didn’t follow through with his after care. He relapsed after only one week, and shattered my heart. I had said that if he relapsed I would take our boys and stay with my mom, which I did. He got me home the next day with the promise of working the program, but really hasn’t. Tonight he picked a fight with me, so he could drink again, and blame me. I did stay away from him, but then he told me before he went too bed, that I needed to leave tomorrow and go to my mom’s. My mom is waiting for a house she bought recently to be remodeled and is living in a small one bed apartment. Not the place for me and two boys 7 & 10. I want to kick him out until he gets back into or active in his treatment, but he has no where too go. I am devastated, and don’t want too hurt my boys. I just don’t know what to do.

    1. It can take a few times of relapse for an alcoholic to really understand the grip alcohol has on them. Is there anyone you can talk to at the rehab centre where he went, was he assigned a counsellor or sponsor? Him telling you before he goes to bed that you need to leave means he is going to bed with the intention of drinking in the morning. Maybe you need to dig your heals in and tell him in the morning if he chooses to live his life like that he needs to leave the family home, not you. It is good that you have your mom to go to when things get bad but he should not predetermine that you should leave so he can go on a binge. But you know this. Have you got a local newspaper that advertises places to rent? When I was going through a similar episode with my husband I got the local paper and circled some cheap rental options. We could not afford to rent two places but I calmly told him we would need to figure out how to make this possible as he wanted to continue living his life like that and I wanted to give our children a stable home. Maybe try and have this discussion with him before he starts drinking in the morning, maybe get the kids out to a friend before he wakes and then have a bag packed for him. Where he goes is his concern not yours, your concern is that you need your home for your children to feel safe in. Of course this is only advice from a stranger, do what you know is right for you and your children, not what is easy, but what is right. Stay strong and stay in touch. xxx

      1. Thank you Lilly, I couldn’t get out of bed in time. He woke me at 8am so he could go back to bed, and was just as belligerent as the night before. Together we now have $40 to last till next Friday. We were supposed to go to California. I have been living with this for 14 years, and somehow I still love him very deeply.How do I kick him out with no money at all? How do I keep stuffing my kids into my mom’s tiny apartment? I’m no really expecting an answer, but these are the questions going through my head. I’m an emotional wreck. My kids shouldn’t have to deal with either of us. Just like all the other women who have w written in, I have no friends to help me, and only my mom near by. Addicts are great at isolating themself and their families. You can’t have friends when you have too stay home to keep the kids safe, and you can’t have anyone over with your drunk husband. I really need God to work faster. I’m in so much pain, that I’m paralyzed with depression and can’t get anything done. I just want to go to bed and wake up when he is dead or sober for good.I can’t even stop crying on front of the kids. What’s worse is this whole thing started because the kids through a foot about going to a celebrate recovery meeting with us (they have child care). He was going too go by himself, but chickened out and instead because of all the upset in the house, decided to drink. I’m sorry, I’m going to stop before I write my own novel.

        1. I just want to add how thankful I am to God for helping me find this websight. I am definitely buying your book with my next paycheck.

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