He didn’t go to the AA meeting he had promised all week. He got up this mornign saying he was going to get ready and I came down an hour later and he was spaced and exaggerating it. I knew it was a ploy to get out of going so I pretended I didn’t notice and said I would drive him cause I needed the car. But know he was going to drive himself he said or not go at all. So I said fine then go. His ‘trick’ hadn’t worked. So next he was having chest pains – yes faking a friggin heart attack to get out of going to an AA meeting. I ignored it and said I’d make coffee and breakfast. So the heart attack didn’t work either. I was determined he was going to go and I was getting really angry in myself. How dare he promise me all week and then pull away this fragment of hope. By the time I came back with the coffee he was gone… not to the AA meeting but back to bed! I was soo annoyed I went up and told him to get his ass out of bed and to the meeting. He told me to F off. So I said lots in anger and then said right I will F off then. I went down stairs and took some deep breaths. I then started to think about how angry I was feeling and why. I asked myself is this how I wanted to be or was this making me feel good about myself. I remember hearing during our previous recovery the term ‘Easy does it’. I began to think rationally. My anger would push away the hope of a peaceful solution to my problems and not help me achieve sanity in my own life, my own self – not him but me.
So I took my coffee and my Courage to Change book and went into my little quiet place in the garden where I can find solitude. I haven’t been there in a long time. I took time out and read the ‘Courage to Change’ chapters on anger. some were relevant some were not, but by the time I had finished my coffee and sat quietly for a while ‘enjoying’ the silence I was ready to face the day again with a more positive view. I went back to the house and defrosted the fridge and cleaned the kitchen to relieve the remaining anger! By doing something positive towards improving my surroundings no matter how small, makes me feel I have achieved something with my day. Also by realising his actions are his and I can’t ‘make’ him change, I realise that the only person I can change is me and my own actions. If I change for the better others may follow, if he doesn’t I have at least bettered myself in the meantime. He didn’t go to the meeting today, but there is always next week, and in the meantime I am working to better myself – not to make a point to him but to make a point to my life.